Growing Up, Not Out
I am a Gemini Moon, Gemini Sun, and Libra Rising.
That means I am a whole lot of air, or in other words, I’m not only comfortable with change, but I also NEED change.
Constant change.
I move every one to two years. The nature of freelancing means my workflow, and even my client roster is changing often. That also means my hobbies are subject to rapid upheaval. I LOVE learning a little about everything.
This means that I’ve never managed to become an “expert” in anything. And yes I’ve grown to accept that my “Jack of All Trades” title means I’ll also remain a master of none.
I admit that this can sometimes make me feel shaky like I’m never really standing on steady ground. I compare myself to friends who have studied the same thing for years and are moving their way up the ranks. Like my friend who recently received his Ph.D. His career path for the remainder of his days (he’s only in his early 30s) is already quite laid out for him, which I admit, seems nice, and predictable. Even his location will be determined for him depending on the University that wants to hire him.
On the contrary, my options are endless. I could live in a Tahitian hut or in a Grecian cave as long as there was proper Wifi. If I wanted to pick up and move halfway across the world (again), I could do so tomorrow if I so desired.
I’ve convinced myself that I need these options and that having options helps me feel in control. I feel less claustrophobic with less stuff and fewer attachments.
Now that doesn’t mean I haven’t been able to establish deep connections. I’ve just learned how to overcome some of the barriers that go along with keeping in touch including different time zones (staying up way too late to catch up with my BFF), poor connections (turn your video off, mom), and phone tag (I will win eventually).
As exciting as my life has been until now, lately I’ve been longing to settle. Not settled in the sense that I am willing to sacrifice something for some false sense of security. No, I am longing to settle somewhere and grow upward instead of out. Perhaps it’s my age, perhaps it’s the looming winter ahead, or perhaps it’s just this collective moment in time, but I no longer feel this desire to see and experience as much as humanly possible. Instead, I am craving focus, attention, and presence. I want to be a part of a community, a gaggle of folks who are also focused on an idea, preferably something that makes the planet a little better in the process. And for that, I have to be in one place.
I don’t know exactly what this means yet. But I am staying open to the fact that clarity will present itself soon enough.
Until then, I will continue strumming along on my ukulele, a hobby that I’ve managed to keep up with for a few months now. After experiencing instant gratification upon learning a full song in my first lesson, I was hooked. Now that I have a few basic chords under my belt, I’ve been enjoying learning different strumming patterns and how to play more complicated songs. What’s the lesson here? Just because I focus on one thing doesn’t mean it will eventually get “boring”. Within that focus, I can find small challenges to overcome that keep me growing upward.