I spent the last 2 weeks in the middle of nowhere Poland learning an ancient meditation technique with 99 other curious souls. 

I should have taken it as a sign to turn back when Tomek, my Polish taxi driver started playing “Highway to Hell” as we turned off onto the dirt road leading us to the center. 

I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into just that I had been curious about Vipassana for a few years now.  I had one scheduled in 2020 but it was to take place the same week that the world shut down. And so it was canceled. I was bummed but figured it wasn’t the right time.

Now though, it felt like the right time probably because I am at a crossroads in my life, debating whether to stay in Berlin and continue to build upon the life I’ve created over the last 8 years -  or try living a truly digital nomad life for a while. Moving somewhere warm and cheap while saving money to buy some land in the desert.

What better way to uncover your deepest desires than to sign up for a 10-day silent meditation retreat?

Oh, did I not mention it was a silent endeavor? Yep, that meant no talking, no communicating (verbal or nonverbal), no eye contact, no reading, no journalling, no listening to music or watching Netflix, and absolutely no texting or calling for 10 whole days. In fact, they even confiscate your phone and put it in a special locker so you aren’t tempted to sneak in some late-night scrolling. 

At first, I thought this sounded like an introvert’s dream. I feel like I have been practicing my WHOLE life for this very thing - if averting eye contact and frivolous small talk were an Olympic sport, I’d be a gold medalist by now. But a few hours in, I felt like quitting. I actually wanted to quit every day I was there, fantasizing about running away in the middle of the night (although I’d have to tell someone unless I was prepared to leave my phone behind). 

But I didn’t.

I kept showing up for nothing else than to prove that I was capable of doing hard things.

You see, I have built a pretty comfortable life for myself. I don’t have to go into a job so no boss or co-workers to worry about. I can travel whenever I want and schedule my day as I see fit. I  also don’t have any kids or pets (or even a plant at the moment) that require care or attention which means I can go with my own whims. While this sounds like a fun and carefree life (it is) it’s also made me one fragile human being that seems to spiral at the smallest amount of stress. Also, the more options I seem to have, the harder it is for me to feel grounded enough to make a damn decision. So for me, attending this retreat was a very extreme version of stepping outside of my comfort zone so that I can 1. toughen the F up and 2. get clear about what it is I truly want from life. 

The Facility

Despite the strict regimen of waking up at 4a to meditate and not being able to make any contact with the outside world, the facility itself was quite nice. I even had my own room and bathroom (a perk to choosing the Polish center vs. other Vipassana centers in the world). They also fed us two delicious meals a day and a fruit/tea break for “dinner”. And we had a considerable amount of downtime to walk around their small patch of woods or soak up some sun (when it came out.) 

Still, though, the days seemed to creep by. Those 10 days were the longest days of my life. Every day I had to invent ways to entertain myself - plucking my eyebrows, clipping my toenails, crunching pine cones, playing with sticks, changing the pace of my walking, and napping. It was so funny to see how others entertained themselves as well. People were even hand washing their clothes in the sink and hanging them out to dry the second day in. Yes, we were all that bored. 

Would I do it again?

Maybe. Though I am very grateful for the experience (more on that in a second) I am not sure I would need to go through such extreme measures again. That being said one of the things I loved the MOST about the retreat was the people I met. The fact that there are centers all over the world is also really special. I know that no matter where I am in the world or what is going on in my life, I can always drop into a retreat and meet like-minded, open-hearted souls on a similar journey. This feeling of community was something I have been missing - and since I am thinking about becoming a vagabond soon it’s a relief to know that community is available wherever I happen to be. If I went back though, I would likely go as a server or volunteer. The hardest part for me was all the downtime. I would have much rather been helping to prepare lunch or cleaning than playing with sticks for example. 

And now for the insights…

1. I was able to finally let go of certain resentments I thought I had already healed. Though I thought I’d made peace with past relationships - as it turns out I was still catastrophizing them. I was doing the opposite of romanticizing these relationships - I was still gripping onto the pain, the toxicity, and the torment they had caused me. What I realized when I was curled up like a pretzel and deep in meditation, however, was that these relationships (whether familial, romantic, or business) were actually really lovely at times. Some of the best days of my life, for example, were spent on a trip with an ex-business partner. I had parked a big black cloud over this relationship and “accepted” it but failed to remember the intense joy I had also received from our time together. Tears welled up and streamed down when I had this realization. When we fail to acknowledge the whole of something - the “good”, the “bad”, and the neutral - we remain trapped in the highs (or lows) and are never truly free. 

2. I learned how to recognize my bodily sensations as soon as they arise. Goenka’s teachings focus heavily on learning how to recognize the sensations in the body because he says that every emotion or reaction first initiates as a sensation in the body. And if we can fine-tune our spidey senses to detect either subtle or gross sensations as they come up, we can all stop being so reactive, thus leading us to make more clear and loving decisions.

3. I learned that I love my life and am eternally grateful for the beings that I continue to cross paths with.

Was it worth it? I’d say so, yeah. Especially because the whole experience was my favorite price (Free.99). The center requests that you make a donation to them afterward if you feel that the experience has been valuable to you, but they aren’t pushy about it. And once you have immersed yourself in this tranquil place for 10 days, your heart is so full of immense gratitude for all the folks who had to coordinate their time and efforts that the donation just comes naturally. So yea, definitely worth it :)

Want to know more about my time there? Considering a Vipassana retreat or something similar and have questions? Feel free to reach out. Although if you feel a calling to do something like this I urge you to just go ahead and do it with minimal input from others. That way you’ll be able to get what you need out of it vs. comparing your experience to others.