Letting Go of Fear? Nah.
At the start of the year, I set an intention to let go of fear. I even wrote a blog about it.
Why? Because I was tired of fear continuously showing up in my life. I still had…
Fear in the water. I struggled with asserting myself in the surf lineup.
Fear on the road. I was nervous to start riding my moto around town.
Fear in relationships. I felt uncomfortable saying the thing when it needs to be said.
Fear around visibility. I felt lost marketing my book with heart and honesty.
I was ready to be bolder. Louder. More seen.
And I blamed fear for standing in the way.
Before I had a chance to explore my relationship with fear and further, my body started screaming for attention.
I came down with a UTI that quickly escalated into a severe kidney infection that required strong antibiotics, urgent testing, and a lot of unknowns.
When Fear Shows Up in the Body
It’s a…KIDNEY INFECTION
Navigating doctor visits in a foreign country, managing side effects, and watching worst-case scenarios spiral through my mind, I did what I always do when my body is asking for attention: I googled the spiritual meaning of kidney issues. I personally believe that our bodies hold a LOT of wisdom and oftentimes our physical ailments are trying to teach us something.
That’s when I read that in Chinese medicine, the kidneys house Zhi, the spirit of willpower and deep resolve, and fear is the emotion believed to slowly drain that vital energy when it goes unprocessed.
Medically, the kidneys filter the blood, clearing waste and excess while retaining what’s essential.
Symbolically, they filter fear.
At first, I was confused. Hadn’t I just decided to let that shit go?
But the longer I sat with it, the clearer something became.
Fear hadn’t been bullying me.
It wasn’t punishing me.
And it wasn’t evidence that I was off track.
Fear was preparing me for a bolder, more compassionate version of myself — expanding my capacity to hold space for others without losing my own grounding.
What I Got Wrong About Fear
Sitting with this, I realized something important about myself:
I am not someone who avoids action because of fear.
I surf. I travel solo. I start businesses. I publish books. I ride motorcycles. I build a life outside the norm.
Yes, I feel fear. Yes, anxiety sometimes keeps me up at night.
But I have never let fear stop me from doing what my soul truly wants.
What fear does do is slow me down.
It asks me to assess: Is this something I truly desire?
And if the answer is yes, it invites me to:
Practice more
Reach out for help from those who have achieved what I desire
Build skill before leaping
Take calculated risks, not impulsive ones
There’s wisdom in that.
Maybe fear was never the thing to release. Maybe it was self-doubt and self-criticism that had been weighing me down all along.
Fear and the Matrix
This is where it clicked.
When you start exiting the matrix, the expectations, timelines, and inherited definitions of success, fear will show up.
Not because you’re failing.
Not because you made the wrong choice.
But because you’re stepping into the unknown without the usual safety nets.
The matrix teaches us that fear means:
You’re irresponsible — better stay in line and do what others have done.
You’re unstable — stay in the job you hate so you can eventually retire.
You’re doing something wrong — don’t deviate from the path laid out for you.
But in reality, fear often means:
You’re learning new skills and expanding your capacity.
You’re breaking generational patterns and refusing a life you didn’t choose.
You’re listening to your heart instead of blindly following the herd.
Feeling fear doesn’t mean you’re off track.
It means you’re navigating a more authentic path….consciously.
So What Am I Actually Letting Go Of?
Not fear.
I’m letting go of the belief that fear is a problem to be fixed.
I’m letting go of the idea that courage means being fearless.
I’m letting go of rushing myself to prove bravery.
I’m letting go of the story that discomfort equals danger.
Fear isn’t my enemy.
It’s a signal.
A pause.
A moment to listen before I move.
And maybe the most matrix-breaking thing of all is trusting myself enough to move forward with fear beside me — not behind me.
That’s not weakness. That’s freedom.