Berlin, ich liebe dich.
The sun is setting earlier and earlier and it’s no longer enough to just wear a light jacket in Berlin. Even though the temperatures seem tolerable on my weather app, when I try to go for a casual stroll through Tempelhof, I’m likely to get a bone-chilling slap in the face making me question why this little lizard body ever moved here to begin with. I resist pulling out my winter jacket for as long as I can in hopes of staving off Father Winter’s unwelcome return. But it doesn’t work, I just end up more cold and more cranky. I begrudgingly dig my winter jacket out of a plastic tote in my minivan, along with my scarf and gloves.
There is no denying that seasonal depression is creeping in for me and many of my friends and I don’t know about you but my love language is being reminded and reminding others to take their Vitamin D3 (with something fatty like a handful of nuts so it absorbs better). We do that for each other. That is love.
The truth is I wasn’t really that thrilled to come back to Berlin from Costa Rica. I fell in love with the humid climate, how integrated nature and the animals were into everyday society, and the laid-back attitude of the local Ticos and Ticas. I loved how my body felt after hiking along the coast and how thick my hair felt after spending all day swimming in the sea. And the fruit, my god I could write a book of love sonnets about the fresh pineapple and mango juice that dribbled down my chin daily.
But, I had to return to Berlin. Not only did I have to tie up loose ends (such as cleaning out 8.5 years of stuff from my ex’s basement) but I had some bureaucratic things I needed to handle. Germany is not known for its digital flexibility. Most things must be handled via post or in person (with termin, bitte). Oh, and I bought a minivan prior to my trip to Costa Rica that had to be picked up from the mechanic. The minivan had been an impulse buy after I spent two months in Portugal this past May. I bought a van on a whim after meeting several free spirits whilst in Portugal, people who had happily exited the matrix and were focused on enjoying the simple pleasures of life like frolicking in nature and collecting fresh water from the water that trickled down from the mountain on the side of the road. What better way to make my dream of exploring the south of Spain and more of Portugal come true than to try out van life? That, ladies and gentlemen, was before I had tasted the sweet flesh of a Costa Rican pineapple or seen a giant iguana strut its stuff on the beach. Had I known what was awaiting me in tropical paradise I probably wouldn’t have been so hasty.
But alas, we all make choices, and for one reason or another, I bought a van and will now spend the next half year to year exploring southern Europe. Perhaps it was “in the cards.” Or perhaps it was the fact that I recently signed a contract with Squarespace Corporate that requires me to facilitate six website-building events throughout Berlin over the course of the next year. So, I guess that’s a good enough reason to stick around…money. Not to mention it’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to try out van life! Hike in the South of Spain! Surf! Eat all the tapas! Vamos a la playa!!
Please don’t get me wrong. I promise that’s not fake enthusiasm. I am indeed excited about my van life adventure, it’s just, that the Berlin weather is killing my vibe. Sure I have enjoyed catching up with friends who have become family and visiting my favorite eateries. I also love how I feel like I belong here. One day I walked to a friend’s house when halfway I realized I was basically wearing pajamas and had my hair in a top knot reminiscent of a rambunctious 4-year-old who refused to lie down for a nap. I laughed because not only did no one care, but everyone around me kind of looked the same. This must be what it feels like to be “home”.
As the weather starts to drop, however, I feel my mood downshift. Though I often find myself drifting off into fantasyland and longing for a time in the future when my bones are warm and my skin is permanently sun-kissed, I am trying to practice staying focused on the present moment, for one day I will look back on my time in Berlin with tears in my eyes and remember how much this city has given me.
And wow, Berlin has given me SO much. Here are a few gifts I will be forever grateful for….
1/ Body Love
For one, Berlin has given me the gift of body love. I adore my laugh lines, never wear makeup, don my silver streaks proudly, and happily strip down naked anywhere that allows. It took me a few years of living here before I felt comfortable stripping nude in the sauna or sunbathing nude at the lakes, but now it’s second nature. I still remember the first time I went naked at an FKK lake. I rode my bike solo to Teufelsee, set up my spot RIGHT next to the water so I didn’t have to strut through a parade of people, and stripped down faster than a strike of lightning. But I did it!! The feeling of swimming naked in a lake in the heat of summer is as close to heaven as I can imagine getting. It’s just so…liberating. There is nothing like sunbathing nude either. One of the things that helped me get over my body shame and accept all her flaws is the fact that FKK culture doesn’t exclude any BODY. Spend a while at an FKK lake and you will see every kind of body, the good, the bad, the flabby, and the deflated. And guess what, they are ALL beautiful. In modern society, and in prudish America, you really only ever have the chance to see perfect, often fake, bodies in the media. And you would never dream of stripping down with your family on vacation (I can hear all the internal gasps of the Americans imagining such a scenario). So when would you ever have the opportunity to see what an aging body actually looks like? The answer is never. So you can imagine the horror you must feel when your own body starts to age. WHAT? WHAT IS THAT? Thanks to Berlin, I no longer fear aging or sagging. I will be proudly parading my folds of skin this way and that whether you like it or not.
2/ Queerness Embraced
Two, the warmth of the queer embrace. Though I consider myself a mostly cis-female, I have grown more comfortable with the fluidity of my own gender and sexuality. I don’t feel the pressure that I once felt living as a female in the US. I already mentioned I don’t wear makeup anymore, would never dream of wearing high heels again, and for a while completely stopped shaving my armpits (LOL- it was on trend OK?) I love that you can be whoever you want to be in this city and try on new identities, and no one bats a fake eyelash. I have always said that Berlin is the city of outcasts, people who don’t fit in anywhere else. And there is just something so wonderfully liberating about walking through the streets with others who are just as unapologetically weird as yourself.
3/ Dance Therapy
Three, the gift of dance. I love that I am always surrounded by people (especially the male folk) who have no qualms about fully busting it on the dance floor. Berliners love expressing themselves through dance for the sake of dance. Which means most events are likely to have a dance floor and a live DJ. Wallflowers don’t really exist here, most everyone loves to groove and typically faces the DJ while doing so. It’s less of a “look at me shake my ass” vibe and more of a “dance is my therapy vibe.” I’ve had many aha moments while stomping in place for hours- many more than I’ve had Zooming my therapist, in fact. Though I don’t dance nearly as much as I did when I first moved here, whenever I get the chance it just makes me so damn happy.
4/ Friends That Feel Like Family
The fourth thing Berlin has given me is the friends who have become family. The other day I had a thought - “I want my next partner to treat me like my best friend Alex and I treat each other. We cook for each other and listen to each other when we are having bad days, we cuddle on the couch, we run errands together, we laugh, my god we laugh so much, and we remind each other to take our Vitamin D3.”
5/ Rental Crisis Averted
Five, the ability to snuggle people’s pets in exchange for a warm bed. What could be called a “rental crisis” actually worked in my favor. When I couldn’t find an apartment six months ago, I decided to buy a van, leave Berlin, and start exploring warmer countries. The decision was kind of made for me which I feel really grateful for because, to be honest, Berlin just doesn’t fit my ideal lifestyle anymore. When you live somewhere for eight years, however, you just kind of expect to keep living there forever and ever. But in this case, the lack of available apartments was the catalyst for me to move on. Until I do that, however, I house-sit, pet-sit, and plant-sit. Not only does this save me money (no rent = AMAZING), but I get to discover new areas of Berlin and have cuddly creatures around me all the time. It’s a win-win. Right now I am watching an adorable Labrador who wakes up from her nap and gives me a hug with her fat head and last week I was watching two precocious cats, one of which climbed up my leg and then made his way to my shoulders when he saw me with my suitcase on my way out the door. I know I can pet sit anywhere, but the fact that it’s so easy to do in Berlin because it’s so multikulti and people are always on the go makes it worth a mention.
6/ Theme Parties
Six, the random celebrations and themed parties. This past weekend I was invited to the birthday celebration of two new friends. I was introduced to them by a near and dear friend, a woman who taught me that friendship is a delicate thing not to be taken for granted. It needs consistent nurturing and tending to even when life gets heavy. That said, her group of friends LOVES to celebrate life and has so much love for one another. I feel so honored to be included in this circle and in fact, was something I longed for when I first moved to Berlin, a tight-knit group of friends who prioritized joy. This party’s theme was Galactic, and so naturally I dressed up as an alien. I wore all green and fashioned some antennae from aluminum foil. As soon as I arrived it started to rain. Instead of complaining, everyone worked together to put up a tent over the DJ equipment and then another over the otherworldly partygoers. I rubbed one of my antennas and confidently told the people around me that the storm would soon pass. A few minutes later, the rain indeed passed and a big beautiful rainbow came out in its place as if to say, “Enjoy the moment earthlings.”
7/ Zu Verschenken
Seven, all those zu verschenken boxes. What would a love letter to Berlin be if it didn’t mention the most beautiful words in the whole German language, zu verschenken or “to give away”? If you wander the streets of Berlin for a few minutes, you’ll soon discover random boxes with these words scribbled on the front. In them, you’ll often find secondhand clothing, books, shoes, and small household items. Occasionally you’ll also find nipple clamps and lingerie (no joke!!). When I had an apartment, most of the things I furnished it with were things I found on the street. And when you tire of old items, you can set them free to the wild once again. I will miss this give-and-take very much.
