Then & Wow: Drinking to escape? This one's for you....
“By refusing to live creatively and act with courage, people drift into gambling fever, betting on anything because they won’t bet on themselves. A man who won’t take a chance on himself must gamble on something. And the person who won’t act with courage will often reach for a bottle just to feel the illusion of it.”
- Maxwell Maltz, Pscyho-cybernetics
You know when you know something—like a deep, cellular knowing—but then someone else puts it into words so cleanly that it just… lands? That was me when I was heard this quote from my audiobook on my walk today.
I spent most of my late teens and twenties in a toxic relationship with alcohol.
Sure, some of the allure came from being a shy kid who found temporary confidence at the bottom of a red solo cup.
But underneath that? I think I wasn’t living authentically. I didn’t even know what “authentic” meant back then, but somewhere inside, a part of me knew.
Drinking felt productive in a strange way, like I was exploring alternate selves, slipping on new identities, and loosening my constant need for control.
When my boyfriend at the time and I moved to LA, we were broke—broke broke. Too broke for the things people move to LA to do. But we always had enough for a bottle of Trader Joe’s Two Buck Chuck. I loved the way it made life feel like an adventure, like the edges softened and the world brightened for a second.
It’s probably why I was later drawn to other mind-altering substances like mushrooms. People say “Have a nice trip” for a reason. It’s a journey you can take without ever leaving your living room.
But here’s the thing: unlike mushrooms, alcohol is a depressant. Any momentary magic collapses fast, leaving you energetically drained, spiritually empty, and one step closer to an existential crisis.
So why did I keep returning to the cycle?
At the time, I was trying to “make it in LA.” Not as an actress, I wanted the dream corporate job. The 9–5. The benefits. The ping-pong table in the break room. The whole Silicon Valley Starter Pack.
I interviewed. I hustled. I tried so hard to wedge myself into the capitalist hamster wheel… and I never got the callback.
That kind of rejection, of forcing yourself into a life that doesn’t fit, can drive anyone mad.
Though I didn’t have a trust fund, I did have loving parents (which is probably the only reason I didn’t end up on skid row with a needle in my arm.) But I did drink. A little too much.
It was an escape.
Then
And WOW
I don’t drink anymore though. I have zero desire to. It’s not even a thought (except when I write blog posts about it, lol).
Funny how I used to avoid making morning plans on weekends because I knew I’d be hungover. Now I wake with the sun and make myself a tropical smoothie, sans rum.
Besides developing horrific hangovers with age, I think the real reason I don’t need or want anything to do with alcohol is simple: my soul is happy.
I don’t need an escape because my everyday life feels like an adventure.
This morning I met with a man who’s going to raise my land 50 cm so I can start building my dream surf casita.
On the way back, the sun was blazing so my boyfriend offered to take me and the dog I’m watching on his moto. At first I hesitated, but then I YOLO’d.
There I was, clinging to Rocky—Rocky looking confused as hell—and me cackling like a witch. We hit a bump, he shifted his weight, and the moto tilted just enough to make us pull over. I set him down, told my boyfriend to drive, and Rocky immediately sprinted after us, ears flopping, tongue out, pure joyful madness.
What a joy it is to not live a life I need to escape.
What a privilege I will never take for granted.
“A man who won’t take a chance on himself must gamble on something. And the person who won’t act with courage will often reach for a bottle just to feel the illusion of it.”