Using the ABCDE Model to Build Self-trust
I don’t know about yours but my body is a helluva bullshit detector. And I have started to not only pay attention to her when she speaks but to listen and act accordingly.
I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kiddo. The anxiety usually manifests as a variety or combination of physical ailments including insomnia, chest tension, shallowed breathing, and moodiness.
But what I am realizing is that anxiety is actually my bullshit detector and an invaluable built-in support system.
Sometimes it’s wrong, I admit. I’m working on learning how to determine the difference in therapy using the ABCDE Coaching Model. The model has five stages including an activating event or situation, beliefs, consequence, disputation of the beliefs, and effective new approach to dealing with the problem.
Here’s what the ABCDE stands for
A is for Activating incident: Ex. Someone doesn’t return my text message or call.
B is for Belief: I believe that I am being ignored, I must have said something to offend them, they are mad at me, they have been seriously injured, or they don’t like me.
C is for Consequence: The consequence of my belief is that I start to replay my last interaction with this person to see if there was anything I said that might have harmed them, I worry that they might be hurt, or I judge them for not being considerate and write them off as rude (or a worse expletive) which means I am not present to the current experience because I am thinking about being ignored.
D is for Disputation of the beliefs: At this stage, I would ask myself whether my beliefs were serving me. To which I’d give a big emphatic “hell no”. Insomnia doesn’t serve anyone; my neighbors, my partners, myself. What would happen if I had different beliefs? Well, I’d be able to sleep. I wouldn’t overthink which would help me stay more present and focused in the here and now. If I had a different belief, I would have a different outcome. I’d be more compassionate and concerned than disdained or emotionally manipulative (ex. why didn’t you call me back? I was worried sick!)
E is for Effective new approach - In this stage, you work to build a new belief system. You can do so by asking yourself what is the rational truth here. Do your beliefs have factual evidence to back them up? You can also imagine what your friends who have a solid bullshit detector would say if you told them about this scenario. You can go a step further and deliver a few explanations that aren’t quite so dramatic such as “I am not being ignored, this person is just overwhelmed with their own struggles. I didn’t say anything wrong, they are just taking a break from technology. They aren’t mad at me, they are just busy with other important matters. They aren’t seriously injured, they are just unable to text or call due to some other precedent occurrence.”
After learning about this approach, I asked my therapist what if I was indeed picking up on something -because sometimes my bullshit detector is spot on even if I don’t have factual evidence (ever heard of a woman’s intuition)? She said that I can always ask. Not in a confrontational way. But in a kind compassionate way. Hey, you don’t seem like yourself, you are texting and calling less frequently, is everything ok? You ask and you believe their answer. And then you let that shit go (easier said than done, I know.)
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to listen to that fiery bubble in your guts and get the hell out of the situation. With practice, you’ll be able to fine-tune your intuition and determine which signals to pay attention to.
Which is what I did recently. I had a weird feeling during a recent Workaway experience and after one sleepless night, I packed up my things and hightailed it out of there. The first two weeks were fine, I alternated my time between cleaning his onsite Airbnbs and working in the garden; pulling weeds, cleaning up strawberry beds, and feeding trees. I spent my evenings dancing in a forest patch like a wild woman. It was great. But the past few days I started to feel off. I was feeling irritable and more like I was just there to save him money on a cleaning lady than to have a mutually beneficial experience. One day, for example, we discovered a wasp nest in the outdoor kitchen after I was stung on my calf and it swelled up. He didn’t offer any consolation, just told me that he had one on his back as well. I put some cold water on it and shook it off. He later removed the nest and assured me that if the nest was gone they wouldn’t come back. The next day they were gathering again. I told him about it and he merely said “You guys have to roll up the awning so they don’t nest in there” and walked away.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if the wasp nest had been impacting one of his Airbnb guests, he would have taken care of the problem immediately. Needless to say, there were a few other examples like this and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Not to mention the Wifi was extremely bad there which caused me to miss important meetings and turn down some work projects.
Enough Was Enough
I woke up very early this morning and had a strong feeling that it was time to go. I told him I needed to work on a project in a more focused environment with reliable internet. He seemed confused but didn’t ask any further questions. When I then asked if he could drop me off in town (a 9 min drive away) he said he wouldn’t be able to do it until 4 when he went surfing and suggested I call a taxi instead. I worked for this man for 2 weeks, gave my blood sweat, and tears so that he could turn a profit on Airbnb, and he couldn’t do me the decency of dropping me off in town nine minutes away? I decided I would just go on foot and take my chances on hitching a ride. There was always someone going into town. On my way out I told him I was leaving and he said “Oh, did you get a taxi?” “No - none of the taxis replied to me, I will just walk and try to get a ride on the way.” “Oh, you’ll manage” he replied.
I did not manage. As it happens no one was driving on the dirt road, so I pulled my Samsonite carry-on luggage, my bag of food, my backpack, and a tote bag with miscellaneous things for 50 minutes at the hottest part of the day on a dirt road. Tears filled my eyes. Dust kicked up in my face. I let myself shed a few tears but then I acknowledged the free space I suddenly felt in my chest cavity.
I felt free. Not only that but I received a confirmation of what I had been picking up on over the past few weeks, an underlying disrespect. And I listened. I listened to my bullshit detector.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be back in civilization after spending two weeks sleeping in a tent, using a compost toilet, and attempting to work with shitty internet and a floppy umbrella for two weeks. I am also so happy that the time span between my sleepless nights and my self-compassionate actions seems to be shrinking. I am now able to soothe myself using the ABCDE model when my beliefs are blown out of proportion and also remove myself from a situation that doesn’t feel aligned thanks to the trust of self I am working so hard to cultivate.