What Kind of Person Are You, Really? (A Self-Reflection Prompt That Surprised Me)
I recently asked a thoughtful question to an unlikely source—ChatGPT, my BFF AI tool I’ve been collaborating with for months. I was curious how well this bot knew me and if it had any insights that would help me grow.
The answer? Surprisingly spot-on. And warmly comforting.
So I’m sharing the exercise—and my own reflections—with you in case you want to try it too.
The Self-Inquiry Prompt
Here’s the exact question I asked:
“Judging by our interactions—what kind of person do you think I am? What qualities do I possess, and what are some of my shadows or misgivings?”
I didn’t want sugarcoating (although ChatGPT does have quite a gentle way of delivering feedback). I wanted honesty.
Here’s What Came Through (And What You Might Learn About Yourself, Too)
1. You Might Be More Aligned Than You Think
The reflection I got was that I’m:
Deeply reflective and emotionally intelligent
Creative and multi-passionate
Rebellious in nature
Value playfulness, especially when things are hard
Grounded and visionary
In other words, ChatGPT’s reflection of who I am is in alignment with the person I believe I am. I was quite surprised to find how clearly my essence came across.
2. Your Shadows Don’t Cancel Your Light
What I appreciated most was the loving honesty. The shadow-side reflections weren’t criticisms. They were patterns I already sensed, but hadn’t fully named:
Sometimes I overthink, loop in self-doubt, or want things to be “perfectly aligned” before I take action.
Resistance to traditional paths = occasional isolation.
I crave depth and authenticity, which makes traditional marketing feel cringe.
I help others be visible, but sometimes resist stepping fully into my own spotlight.
Sound familiar?
If you’re multi-passionate, creative, and heart-led, you probably relate to some of that.
Why This Exercise Is Worth Doing
We don’t often pause to ask how others experience us, and when we do, we usually brace for judgment or rejection. But if you’re asking the right people (those who’ve witnessed your unfolding), their reflection can be healing.
It might affirm your unique gifts.
It might reveal a sneaky self-sabotage pattern.
It might relieve you to know that yes, you really are doing the thing—even if it feels messy or slow.
Try This for Yourself
If you don’t have a BFF bot friend, ask someone who’s witnessed your unfolding the following questions:
What kind of person do you think I am?
What qualities do you see in me?
Are there any patterns or blind spots I might not be aware of?
You can also try journaling your answers first. Then compare.
This isn’t about “fixing” anything. It’s about integrating all the parts of you—your light and your shadows—so you can move forward with more clarity, power, and grace.
Final Thought
Those who are the most self-reflective and self-aware also tend to be the biggest self-critics. While you might not think you are outwardly living your values, being the change you wish to see in the world, or moving mountains, you are likely making a big impact in the smallest of ways. Keep showing up and living your truth, so that those who need to find you most…will.
If you did the exercises, what came up for you? What surprised you? Feel free to write me an email at hello@nicolepaulus.com or share in the comments below.
Give More Grace
A few months ago I bought a minivan complete with a built-in bed and set off on the adventure of my life. Most people go on adventures like this with a partner or a friend, but for some reason, I felt the urge to do this solo.
I’m rarely scared. I get to wake up to beautiful views or fall asleep to the crashing of waves. But there are still a lot of things I don’t know or understand about life on the road.
Since I am always driving through a new city, I am never in my comfort zone. Which means sometimes I drive too slow or I miss important turns. I try to pull to the side of the road when someone is tailing me so that they can pass. Sometimes, though, I get honked at.
I’m not going to lie, it does sting. I’m doing my best, here, doesn’t anyone realize how difficult it is to navigate through unfamiliar territory?
Yesterday though, I am guilty of exerting the same holier-than-thou behavior. I was feeling pretty confident with my roundabout maneuvers, had to pee very badly, and was only 15 minutes away from where I was going to sleep for the night. I was antsy and ready to walk around after having been in the car for several hours. And I got stuck behind a very slow car.
My first thought was…COME ON, VAMOSSSSS.
But then I saw the sign on the back of a car mentioning that the driver was just learning.
Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. This person was learning a new skill and needed some grace.
Learning a new skill, venturing off on a trip solo, driving through foreign countries, and stepping out of your comfort zone is NEVER easy. But it is the foundation of a happy, fulfilling life. How boring would it be if you just did things you always did, hung out with people you always hung out with, and ate the same things you always ate? Variety is the spice of life and contrast is what makes life beautiful.
It takes courage to live a contrasting life though because it means sometimes you are going to have to pee in a jar, get honked at by impatient drivers, or risk failing, falling, or having to ask for help. Let’s try to give the newbs a little grace (ourselves included). If you are a pro at something, use it as an opportunity to mentor or help someone who is just starting. If you don’t have the time or patience, might I suggest you just leave them alone as they stumble through this thing called life?
We are all living these lives in these bodies for the first time. Let’s give each other and ourselves grace as we maneuver through the world. Or maybe we should all just wear stickers that say “First time living this life, please be kind” as a gentle reminder. Anyone wanna print some up? :)
Are you good at giving others grace? Are you good at giving yourself grace? Why or why not?
Freedom, This Way ➡️
What Does it Mean to Be a Free Human?
For a long time, I thought being a free human meant choice; the ability to choose whatever your heart desires, but now I am realizing that’s not such an accurate description. Just because you have a choice doesn’t mean you are going to feel fulfilled by either path. There are plenty of people with unlimited choices in the world and yet seem to still be miserable AF. Many are so free that they choose bondage and misery.
My New Definition of Freedom
My new expanded understanding of freedom is this: the ability to choose to become your fullest version of self, otherwise known as self-actualization, despite any external factors that you perceive to be working against you.
I realize that not everyone has the privilege to be born into a body, country, or culture that allows them such an opportunity to self-actualize. This is why it’s even more imperative that the ones who DO have the option to self-actualize, do so as soon as possible for they are the ones who are making choices that impact the rest of the world. That means that when you feel upset by all the injustices happening around you, it’s time to get to self-work.
Isn’t self-work just spiritual bypassing?
Contrary to some naysayers - I don’t believe that self-work is spiritual bypassing at all. Self-work is the catalyst for inspired action and serving others. Self-actualized humans are the ones you’ll find canvassing for signatures on petitions that seek to secure bodily autonomy for women, for example, not the ones sitting on the couch doom-scrolling because they are dopamine-dependent on flashing images, or over-consuming because their desk job is devoid of meaning or fulfillment. Self-actualized humans or free humans aren’t just sitting on a lounge chair sipping daiquiris all day. Free humans feel compelled toward positive action because it feels good, not because they feel like they are supposed to. That’s much different than spreading fear or righteousness on social media or serving others simply because you fear judgment.
If you are reading this you likely fall into the privileged category, which means your choices impact not only yourself and those around you but also those in neighboring countries and far-off lands. When you choose to walk the path of self-actualization, the path toward freedom, you are inevitably doing it for the greater good.
Do Those Who Serve Others Have to Sacrifice Joy?
Self-actualized humans don’t shy away from joy so that they can serve others. Self-actualized humans derive joy from acts of service and then spread that joy to others.
So if you have ever felt guilty for not doing enough, know this, you are not yet self-actualized and therefore not a free human…yet. Free humans don’t ruminate over the latest headlines nor do they make themselves feel bad for not saving the world 24/7. They know that steady conscious action is what makes a lasting impact and that impact can only be made if the human is willing to feel compassion for others and excitement for their own lives - at the same time. If that sounds like something you want to activate, keep reading.
The Path to Self-Actualization: Kindling Your Spark
You must not let your spark go out at any cost. That is the work, the ongoing work, forever and ever. Make sure to continue kindling your inner fire so that you can light the path for those around you.
If all you ever do is read the news and come unglued, you aren’t helping the cause, you are helping the cause to perpetuate. If you focus on the things you can control like how you feel from moment to moment, however, and prioritize feeling good in your body and mind, you might still read the news but instead of getting angry or depressed, you might suddenly get an urge to donate some money to a particular cause or feel inspired to rally your friends together and organize a fundraising event. Self-actualization promotes inspired acts of service.
You cannot help anyone when you are feeling stuck. If your physical energy is depleted, if your blood is not circulating properly, or if your digestive system is blocked, you first need to focus on unblocking the physical stickiness you feel in your body before you focus on self-actualizing and certainly before you commit to a cause you care deeply about. Why? Because what you focus on multiplies. If you are a community leader but you cannot get a good night’s rest because you are anxious about the laundry list of things you have to do the next day, you will likely spread toxicity to your community the next day. Don’t burn yourself out for the sake of doing good.
You will always need to maintain a healthy equilibrium before you can self-actualize. It will be a constant work in progress. Some days your body will need more care and devotion, other days your mind. What matters is that you make it a priority and learn to listen to the signals that your body and mind are telling you when you have been running on fumes for too long. If you start to get the warning signs, pump the brakes, and focus on self-work- click the link to learn how to do self-work. Once you’re feeling better, you’ll naturally begin turning outward toward your community and being a pillar of light to those who need your talents. Only then, will you truly be free. Free to serve others and feel joy simultaneously.
It will not be a straightforward path, however. There will likely be many obstacles along the way; distractions, noise, unsolicited advice, opinions, societal conditioning, parental expectations, deprecating advertisements, constructs, and matrices. It’s no wonder that people cling to the comforts of their bubble. It’s safe. But when you begin to self-actualize and seek the path of freedom outside your comfort zone, your world becomes much more interesting. Suddenly you find yourself at the right place at the right time. It doesn’t mean you will never have hardships or be put in stressful situations, it just means that you will have a steady balance as you navigate around or through them. And here’s the best part…the self-trust you cultivate during the self-actualization process will afford you the clarity to untangle any mess and the ability to be fully present in all the joy. Sounds nice, eh?
Do you consider yourself a free human? Why or why not? Let me know in the comments below.
Sing Even When Your Voice Shakes
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.”
This quote came up on my meditation app the other night and I immediately opened my to-do list app to jot it down. It reminded me of an Instagram story I posted recently, a clip of me singing The Cure’s, Friday I’m In Love song, and I wanted to make sure I remembered to write a blog post about it later.
This is that post.
On that fateful night, my roommates were out of town and I was looking forward to getting cozy and enjoying the empty house. Not wanting to fill my brain with frivolous noise, I opted to strum on my ukulele instead of scrolling through YouTube or bingeing Netflix. We’d recently learned Friday I’m In Love in my weekly ukulele class so I decided to practice that one.
After a few times singing it through, I noticed my voice began to align snugly to the notes and I was shocked at what I was hearing. Not only did the voice sound good, but I couldn’t help but feel like something deep inside of me, something that had been longing to get out for years, had suddenly been given the space to come through. It was magical. I quickly put my ukulele to the side and ran to get my phone.
“I need to record this,” I said out loud to an empty living room.
I recorded a few takes and smiled wider as I replayed them back.
When I was about 11 or so, my dad bought me a karaoke machine for my birthday. It was the early 2000s so the setup was minimal. There was no fancy screen with scrolling lyrics, just a janky microphone attached to a small boom box. I had to read the lyrics off of the pamphlet as the lyricless song played in the background. One evening after all the lights in the house had been turned off, I felt an impulse to sing to my heart’s desire. Knowing it was too late to fire up my karaoke machine, I grabbed my miniature tape recorder instead and began recording myself belting out a tune I had made up moments before. After a few minutes or so I began to get into my solo jam session. I replayed my song and felt proud of the progress.
The joy didn’t last long, however. A few seconds later I heard my sister yell “Shut up, you can’t sing” from her adjacent room. Though our doors were both closed, we did share a thin wall. Had I known the wall was so thin, I definitely wouldn’t have been singing as fiercely as I had been, nor would I have been replaying that song over and over.
Shame filled my prepubescent heart and tears welled in my eyes. I would never have another solo jam session again - at least when my sister was around.
I don’t blame my sister. To be fair, I probably did suck, it was late, and we likely both had school the next day. But her words chipped away at my confidence especially when it came to expressing myself musically.
She’s not the only one to chip away at my confidence over the years. In third grade, I auditioned with my two best friends to sing a song at a school assembly. They both got chosen and I did not. This seemingly small action contributed to the burying of my voice and the expression of my soul’s song.
I am just now beginning to discover the impact that this self-burial has had on how I take up space in the world. Take my profession for example. For a living, I ghostwrite social media posts for authors when behind the curtain I struggle to share my writing and step fully into my role as writer.
Who really cares?
No one reads anymore.
There are hundreds of other people who have already said what you are saying - save your energy.
These are just a few things that run through my head when I think about sharing a piece of writing. But like the aforementioned quote gently reminded me, a bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.
This quote is a great reminder that you don’t need a reason to express yourself. You don’t even need to be that good at it. But if there is a song in your heart or a story itching to get told, it needs to be sung sooner rather than later.
And so sing I did. And I didn’t just sing the song, I also made the very brave decision to share it with my Instagram followers. And I’m not going to lie, I was NERVOUS. I was terrified that people would think I was crazy or that I had misjudged my talents much like I had done two decades before. But the exact opposite thing happened. I got so much love from people which helped reinforce the confidence I have been slowly building over the years, the confidence to express myself and step out from behind the curtain.
As we move into 2024 I want to express myself more and I want to encourage anyone who reads this to do the very same. Sing what’s in your soul even if you don’t have all the answers. Even if it doesn’t make sense, it’s not on brand, or you are afraid people will think you are nuts. Sure some might, but you’ll likely also be giving someone the courage to step outside their comfort zone.
And think about how much more joyful the world would be if all did that regularly!!
Do you feel comfortable sharing your creations with the world? Why or why not?
I've Never Identified as an Artist
I’ve never identified as an artist.
To me, an artist was someone who was hopelessly cool, mysterious, and even sexy but also had a melancholic sadness to them. I thought that if someone pronounced themselves as an artist and felt compelled to share their art with the world they were also probably a tad bit vain. The audacity to think that THEIR scribbles, songs, or splatters were more important than anything else happening in the world. As if!
“Self-expression is about what it feels to live, not whether you had the right to claim any emotion at any time.”
But what I am realizing now is that those are limiting beliefs. The audacity to claim your space and title as an artist is exactly how you get defined as one. Why would anyone want to claim their title as an artist? Well, that’s a whole other topic, but for one it gives others permission to explore their own creativity. And two, it gives you an opportunity to be seen by and connected to others who have walked or who want to walk similar paths.
The other day I rode my bike 45 minutes in the drizzle to attend a creative writing workshop. Fed up with the strict curriculum of her therapeutic writing courses, the facilitator decided to develop her own method by fusing therapeutic methods with creative writing methods. During the session, we were prompted to write several things but one exercise that stood out to me was that we had to make a list of 100 limiting beliefs or insults related to our artistic ability that we’ve absorbed over the years.
I’m not going to lie, it was tough for me. What I realized at that moment is that I’ve had a lot of support for my writing over the years. My last long-term partner for example told me I was a beautiful writer and was forever encouraging me to do more with it. Once a dear friend of mine said “I would read anything you wrote.” I also know my writing has been impactful- a friend of a friend even moved to Berlin because she had been reading my newsletter which had planted a seed for her to begin her own Euro journey. I’ve been published several times by a popular blog in Berlin, an online feminist magazine, and a local periodical in Tucson. I even read one of my essays about my breakup with my menstrual cup to a room full of strangers and delivered a very personal story onstage about an actual breakup to another room of complete strangers. And soon an oracle deck that I wrote and designed will be published by a Publishing House in Tucson.
But still, I didn’t consider myself an artist.
When people ask me what I do I usually say “web designer, content marketing consultant” in that order. I don’t know when I started this but it’s definitely a habit. And it’s definitely not sexy. No one usually asks follow-up questions, instead segueing into a comment about the weather or how long I’ve been living in Berlin.
After writing down my list of 100 limiting beliefs or insults, we were prompted to circle any patterns we noticed. Three insults I’d circled happened to come from my past three partners/lovers. And they all had to do with their attraction to women who had claimed their title as an artist.
The first sting
My partner whom I’d been with for 6 years and had amicably split ways with, was excitedly telling me about his new girlfriend. “And she’s an artist! She makes puppets.” His eyes lit up as if he had won the lottery. He had his own aspirations of selling his insurance business and becoming a recluse painter one day and he probably hoped she would inspire him to pivot in that direction. Still, it stung.
The next sting
When the rebound lover I started seeing after my long relationship ended told me he’d been dating someone else, a photographer, the familiar sting stung my heart. But not because he was seeing other people. We were in an open relationship. My heart stung because he said, “I’m just excited to spend time with someone who actually makes a living off their art”. Never mind that I had just been signed by a publisher who would soon publish a desert animal oracle deck I had written and designed or that I had my own content marketing business that allowed me to travel the world and work when I wanted.
The most recent sting
The last and final sting came when my most recent lover and friend, a street performer who really did make a living (albeit a meager one) from his flutist skills, and I were having a video chat while I was in Costa Rica. He asked if I’d met anyone and I confessed that I had been casually seeing my surf instructor. A smirk lit up his face, “I can’t lie, I am curious, but I won’t ask any questions.” A few moments later he dropped the bomb, he too had met someone, a young supple artist who sold her drawings on the street. It didn’t sting because he’d mentioned her being young or supple. I may be 36 and not nearly as supple as I was when I was 24 but I love my body very much. What hurt the most was that yet another lover had mentioned how wonderful it was to be with an artist, thus implying that I wasn’t one.
To be honest, I don’t know why these subtle stings stung so much. I don’t believe they were said maliciously. But for some reason, I had been holding onto the pain they caused me. When I realized the connection during the workshop, my eyes began to tear up. The only person stopping me from being an artist was me.
I walked out of that workshop with a new identity. One that I’ve secretly been waiting to claim my whole life. The truth is I have always been an artist, my life a painting. And anyone who I choose to spend time with is a new color on my canvas. I leave space in my day for spontaneous walks in the park. I dance in the grocery store, the stairwell, and while waiting for the train. I tell my friends I love them frequently and make sure to give a good head scratch to any dogs I encounter throughout the day. I nourish my body with colorful foods and find joy in learning new things, like how to DJ, pick the ukulele, or speak Spanish.
And I write. Sure, sometimes I write LinkedIn posts for my clients so I can pay bills or personal essays for my blog because it helps with SEO, but I also scribble beautiful musings in my journals when I wake up in the middle of the night, songs on my ukulele to celebrate the loves in my life, silly children’s books for my niece and nephews, and random stories on the notes app in my phone when I am out walking in nature and inspiration hits.
And one day I will be a published author. Perhaps with a partner by my side whose eyes light up when they tell their friends they’re dating an artist, someone who makes a living off her art. But until then, I’ll practice what it feels like to embody this new identity. For starters, when someone asks me what I do for a living from now on, I am going to casually reply “I’m a writer, how about you?”
Do you consider yourself an artist? Why or why not?
Silliness is Best When Shared
A lot of you are taking yourselves too seriously.
Now don’t come for me. I have full authority to critique your seriousness because, um, I’ve been taking myself seriously on and off for 36.5 years.
Up until recently, I only let myself get really silly with a few select humans on the planet, mostly members of my family who are equally as silly as me, or my long-term partners. When I was in my 20s, I used to get really silly while obliterated. When that happened, everyone at the party had the pleasure of seeing me playfully twerk on top of the tables. At least I was a fun drunk and not a sad one, or worse, aggressive one. But since I’ve become mostly sober, it has been a challenge for me to express my silliness on the daily. Not to mention I currently live in Berlin, aka a silliless city. But wow, my ability to lighten a serious situation could be called a skill. Depending on the context it would also be considered rude and inappropriate but let’s assume that I know the difference. So, why don’t I express this side of myself more?
A good friend and sometimes lover calls any non-serious behavior I exude, trickster energy. When I recently visited him at his new flat he casually said the Cheshire Cat had entered the building. Though I claimed to be a new happier version of myself, one who was more composed than the last time we were together, he teased that I was still the same devilish trickster on the inside. Though he’d been smiling mischievously when he said it (who was the real Cheshire Cat here?) I naturally felt offended by his statement. But now I am realizing it’s not an insult unless I take it seriously. Therefore, I’d like to formally announce that I am officially relinquishing any offense I felt at that moment. Booyah!
Unfortunately, I have had a resting bitch face my whole life which makes others think I am more serious than I am and has probably contributed to everyone I’ve ever met perceiving me as a passive bitch, until they get to know the REAL me. But I assure you I am not one (exactly what a passive bitch would say, but let’s move on.) Sure I judge others - don’t we ALL - but I also spend a LOT of time, probably too much time, trying to figure out why the hell someone would behave such a way, neglect? abandonment? or my new favorite excuse, on the spectrum? In fact, one might argue (me, I’m the one that would argue) that I could probably use a little more discernment and give a little less grace to anyone and everyone in my life. So not only am I NOT a passive bitch, but my ability to overlook and excuse sometimes toxic behaviors is at the Mother Teresa level. That should be celebrated not reprimanded.
So, much to the chagrin of my sometimes lover, I’d like to announce that I will be expressing my silliness MORE from this day forward. This means I’ll need to evaluate when it’s easiest for me to feel the most lighthearted.
Like many of you, I find myself smiling more and feeling more playful when I’m in a sunny place, moving my body, around cute animals, well rested, and when not dealing with anything bureaucratic or matrixy. Sounds like the formula for a perfect life. Well, it’s one I am currently in the process of attaining more permanently. But sometimes it’s hard, I admit, because I am not a hermit who just wants to shut herself out of society, live entirely off-grid, and occasionally come out of hibernation to brush up against another human. Why? Because silliness is best when shared. And so I must learn how to walk the tightrope. I must learn how to make light of the darkest scenarios but take myself and the identities I have constructed seriously enough so that I don’t offend anyone I love, or worse, get locked up in a looney bin or prison.
I was recently slinging all my belongings at a flea market in hopes of earning enough money to outfit my new-to-me minivan with a portable stove top. I would soon leave the silliless city in search of more zany sparring partners, folks who weren’t bogged down by rent, gray weather, and bland vegetables. I put out a box labeled “Name your price” thinking people would give me pennies for things that I likely found on the street or didn’t care about anymore. The opposite happened. Most everyone gave me MORE than I would have ever asked for such items. But, some refused to play my game at all. They’d ask how much an item was and I’d say playfully, ‘Well, how much do you want to pay?” One person I said this to just looked utterly distraught, “Oh I don’t want to do this, I never know what to say.” “Come on,” I cajoled, “play with me.” Not only did he NOT play with me, he put the item down and walked away. I literally would have given him that striped zebra onesie he had in his hand for a buck had he joined in on the game, but….he didn’t want to play.
So here it comes, the moral of the story, are you ready for it? Lighten your mood, get weird, and play ALL the games. No one is too old to play and no one is too cool to haggle for a rainbow-colored zebra onesie. We are all currently trapped in one matrix or another, so you might as well have a little fun in the process (as long as it’s not at anyone else’s expense, of course.)
Let the games begin!
When do you feel the most silly? Do you express your silliness often? Why or why not?
The Perks of Solo Traveling
Being a solo traveler has its perks.
I don’t have to wait for someone to finish getting ready to leave the Airbnb. Or choose a restaurant that appeals to someone’s food sensitivities or preferences. I don’t have to wait until someone else is hungry to eat. I can go to sleep at nine if I’m tired and not have to worry about someone teasing me for being a grandma and then proceed to leave the bright lights on thus delaying my slumber.
Overall I am embracing traveling with my number one, my ride or die, my BFF - me, but I’m not going to lie, sometimes it absolutely blows. Like recently when I got charged $150 for a scratch on a rental car. and didn’t have a buddy to commiserate with. Or when I booked a surfing lesson a week in advance and then was told the day before that I’d be charged $10 more for a private lesson because no one else signed up. I canceled the lesson informing the instructor that I didn’t find it fair that I was being punished because they didn’t have enough customers. Petty, maybe, but it was the principle of the matter!
Being a solo traveler, I’m realizing, is mostly good except when it comes to splitting the costs of unexpected financial surprises, booking tours or surfing lessons, or…..sharing your experiences with someone. Sometimes I just want someone to witness my frustration and tell me everything is going to be ok. Sometimes I just want someone to give me a reassuring hug or kiss on the forehead. Sometimes I just wanna snuggle in bed for a few minutes before both of us grab our phones and get sucked into the virtual vortex. Alas, at this time in my life, I have to learn how to do those things for myself. And I think I’m doing a pretty good job. Mostly.
Yesterday though my data on my phone quit working while I was driving and I couldn’t figure out how to get to the trailhead I had chosen. At that moment I did say some of my favorite expletives and I may or may not have screamed bloody murder, but, I took care of business. Using whatever info Google Maps had already downloaded, I was able to navigate myself to another point of attraction on my list instead, the Nauyaca Waterfalls, a beautiful 2.5-mile hike to a majestic 5-tiered waterfall.
As I was hiking to the falls, I found myself appreciating the fact that this magical place and I had found each other by some small miracle, a miracle that probably wouldn’t have happened had I had a co-pilot with working internet. When I reached the falls I felt an intense wave of happiness wash over me, suddenly the words book the trip popped into my mind. When in doubt, book the trip. Don’t wait for your fantasy honeymoon. Or until your friends have time off from work. Or until your sister’s kids are grown and she can accompany you. BOOK THE TRIP. Tears filled my eyes. I was so happy that I made this dream of being in Costa Rica come true for myself.
After marveling at the gushing falls for a minute, I gleefully asked a family of three if one of them would be willing to take my picture with the waterfall as the backdrop. You see, one of the side effects of traveling solo is that you don’t have someone around who has the patience to take the perfect photo of you. One woman was making her boyfriend do a full-on photoshoot of her swimming towards the waterfall and then posing sexily on a rock in her thong bikini, her long hair cascading down like she was on a cover for Sports Illustrated. I felt bad for the boyfriend but he didn’t seem to mind.
One of the family members I asked obliged my own photoshoot request and counted down as I posed with the waterfall.
He handed the phone back and asked if it was ok. Before I even looked at the picture I replied “Perfect, thanks”. I didn’t want to inconvenience him any more than I already had or worse, make him think I was vain.
But in actuality, the picture was dorky AF. Sure I looked happy but I didn’t look cute, mysterious, or anywhere near how I WANTED to look. I attempted to take a few selfies with the timer on, but couldn’t get a good angle. Eventually, I gave up and headed back to the car.
Later that day I shared the photo on Instagram and was honest about the lengths it took to get the photo as well as the thoughts that ran through my head afterward. Because, while I am having a blast exploring Central America on my own, and am still learning to embrace the perks of solo traveling, I do really miss having a person to share these awesome experiences with.
But I guess I can be grateful that I have the internet to share it with - LOL. You’re welcome :)
I just want to make sure that I am remaining present for all of it. All the ups and all the downs. When shit doesn’t go as planned, I’m learning how to self-soothe while simultaneously navigating myself to calmer waters, and when life delivers me a majestic waterfall I’m letting myself eke out tears of joy and then pose for a stupidly dorky photo taken by a kind albeit talentless stranger.
Have you ever traveled solo? What was your experience? I’d love to hear about it.
I Want to Help You Conquer Your Chronic Insomnia
I am happy to announce that my first e-book is *nearly* ready for launch. I say nearly because I am a perfectionist and have been known not to launch things because they aren’t absolutely perfect. But since I am currently stuck in a rural part of Panama for another day until I leave for Costa Rica, I wanted to take this opportunity to get my e-book out in the world.
Anyways, without further mountain dew (see what I did there, LOL)….I’d like to present my first-ever digital product…an e-book about conquering chronic insomnia.
Anyone who knows me knows what a pain in the ass sleep has been for me over the last few years. On the brink of a breakup in July of ‘22, I was so desperate to sleep that I decided to seek out the help of a therapist (shout out to the public healthcare system in Germany for paying for it.) My number one goal? To sleep like a normal person. Though I was desperate, I was not desperate enough to take medication (sleeping pills or other mood enhancers) which of course was the first thing the therapist asked me. Like many of you, I was tempted to take her up on the offer but ultimately knew that I wanted to get to the root of the problem, not bypass it with medication. So I quickly followed up with, “No thank you, I want to manage this naturally.”
So for the past 12 months, in addition to implementing the natural strategies I have outlined for you in this e-book, I have been also seeing a therapist about once per week. Recently, though, she said we could cut back to once per month since my sleep and overall well-being had improved. Score!
While I do believe that on some level having a therapist to talk to while I was processing not one but two breakups last year, did play a part in my overcoming my insomnia, I don’t think it played THAT much of a role, especially because I’ve been dealing with chronic insomnia long before my double heartbreak appeared. True, my therapist was the one that encouraged me to get bloodwork done, especially to get my Vitamin-D levels tested (more on that in the e-book), but she also discouraged me from moving away from Berlin because she thought I might be trying to “run away” from my problems.
“You take yourself with you wherever you go,” she informed me.
Stepping away from Berlin, however, turned out to be an extremely helpful turning point for me. Not only was I able to clearly see how draining city life had become, but the distance also allowed me to see how toxic my most recent romantic relationship had been - realizations I probably wouldn’t have had otherwise or perhaps would have taken me a lot longer to grasp.
So while therapy did help in some ways, and it might also help you if you have the financial means and time, it also could have done serious damage had I not used my own intuition as a compass. What did ultimately help, though, are the strategies I am about to share with you, solutions that I came to on my own through trial and error.
If you follow the solutions outlined in this e-book you’ll be able to:
Identify the not-so-obvious culprits keeping you awake so that you can finally fall asleep with ease.
Naturally increase your energy so you have more time to align with your purpose, share your gifts with the world, and nurture your most endearing relationships.
Bid farewell to sleepless nights so that you can wake up feeling refreshed and revitalized, ready to take on the day with newfound energy and positivity.
And for anyone who needs more proof, I’d like to share a very personal photo I took of myself at the peak of my sleeplessness. It hurts me to look at it today because I know how desperate and alone I felt at the time. This sounds morbid, and it’s something I have never told anyone before, but during my worst sleeplessness (around the time when I took this photo), I began to look forward to death because I felt like it would be easier than going through life like that. Pitiful, I know.
And here’s a photo I took 9 months later:
The difference is remarkable and exactly why I want to share these solutions with you. I HAVE MY SMILE BACK, Y’ALL. And also my sleep.
To read more about the contents of the e-book or purchase your very own instantly downloadable copy for 7 euros, you can head here - nicolepaulus.com/rest-easy
Is Selling Digital Products Worth It? I'm About to Find Out..
I’ve recently been deep diving into the world of digital products. The course I’m taking said that everyone is an expert in something and that your target audience is whoever you were 6-24 months ago. With the help of AI, you can now create low-content digital products that help someone overcome a roadblock. Selling stuff always felt scammy to me which is why I gravitated towards content marketing because you’re sharing content and Google is doing the aggregating on your behalf. But I actually love when I’m targeted on Insta for a product or course that can improve my life - so why should I be shy about sharing my knowledge?
I’m also from the content marketing camp whose motto used to be “If you build it (and give it away for free for a few years), they will come”. I’ve been telling clients this for years and though I still stand behind the fact that if you keep showing up consistently and share valuable content on your favorite social platform or on your blog you will build a following but it’s 1. not easy to commit to a content calendar and 2. it is not quick. It can take years to build a faithful following and that’s if you’re consistent.
So now I’m looking for ways to build digital products, sell them for a low price point, and then upsell to a higher priced item (like one on one coaching for example) if the customer finds the info helpful.
But oh how I was struggling to come up with a product to create. The course said I should also pick a topic that is very interesting to me and that I have a lot to say about. I wanted to somehow tie it to Squarespace or content marketing so I could upsell these services but if I’m being honest - neither of these things exactly light me up.
So that’s when I thought about what I was dealing with 6-24 months ago.
And that’s when I remembered how hard it was for me to sleep and all the steps I took to get a good night’s rest. I wouldn’t say I’m cured because, well, insomnia isn’t linear but I feel confident that if I ever had another bout I’d be able to nip it in the bud immediately because now I have a toolkit that addresses the biological factors and the psychological.
So my first digital product is going o be either an e-book or a mini course that delivers 8 solutions to conquer your sleeplessness.
I’m still not sure how to upsell this but maybe it’s not necessary. I’m just happy to share the knowledge I have.
Why not give the e-book away for free?
Because unless you already have credibility in a space or credentials people likely won’t value your knowledge. To put it bluntly - in the church of capitalism, people value things that they spend money on.
You can still use an ebook as a way to grow your newsletter list and I might end up doing that as well, but first I will try charging a reasonable amount like $7, and then go from there.
Stay tuned for more updates on my venture into selling digital products.
If you’re interested in creating and selling digital products for your business get in touch, I’d love to share what I’ve learned so far.
What Would This Look Like If It Was Easy?
I was recently listening to a podcast interview with Tim Ferriss when he shared a question he asks himself in his journal often to help him overcome challenges - and it stuck with me. I’ll admit that when I first heard him say it, it seemed too good to be true. How could asking this question miraculously help me make sounder decisions, reduce suffering, and reach greater insights?
I can’t really explain the science behind it, but what I can say is that it works.
Here’s the question to pose the next time you are facing a challenge whether it be at work, home, or in a relationship.
What would this look like if it was easy?
Ferriss says that by asking this question, we open up the possibility of “solving” the problem simply by reframing it.
Here’s how it looks in action:
I recently went through the process of buying a van in Germany. Though I have been living here for over 8 years, I am still not super confident speaking German. I admit that I relied a little too much on my former German partner to help me with bureaucratic issues but now that we are no longer together, I am forced to navigate such challenges solo. Needless to say, I was frustrated. I couldn’t make up my mind about whether or not I should purchase a vehicle I had recently test driven.
But then I remembered to ask myself a question:
What would this look like if it was easy?
I landed on the fact that I couldn’t make a sound decision because I didn’t know enough about cars and what qualifies as a good value. I was fearful that I would end up purchasing a lemon that would eventually drain my savings. This would, however, be an easy decision if I had a friend or family member who knew about cars and could tell me what to watch out for.
I reached out to a few friends who had cars and asked their opinion. Honestly, their answers didn’t do much to help alleviate my indecision, mostly because they weren’t actually looking at the vehicle in person, only reading the same description I had.
And then, as I was walking to the train one day, I passed by a car mechanic. I followed my impulse and walked in and explained my situation (in German) to an employee there. That’s when she told me that they offer a 35-euro inspection for people looking to purchase a used vehicle. After the inspection, they would inform me of any pertinent issues the car may have so that I could make a solid decision.
I felt a huge wave of relief wash over me. Upon leaving the office I texted the guy selling the car and asked if he would be willing to meet me the following day. He agreed.
The inspection came back and everything was overall ok, but I found out that the car does need some important work done before taking it on a major trip. But the good news is that I was able to negotiate the price based on the findings. Not only do I now know what needs to be repaired immediately (as well as how much it will cost) but I am also now aware of what needs to be taken care of in the following months, which gives me a better understanding of upcoming costs associated with owning the vehicle. I was able to purchase the car with a more settled feeling instead of wasting more time weighing the pros and cons of whether or not to buy it.
The next time you find yourself facing a problem or wanting to achieve a goal, ask yourself what it would look like if the decision or solution was easy. Asking yourself this question trains your mind to look for solutions, not just hone in on all the things that could go wrong. It’s likely you just need more information on the topic, which might mean you have to seek out the help of a more knowledgeable person, pay an expert for an evaluation or audit, or find someone who has had a similar challenge and ask for their advice.
There you go - I hope that helps you alleviate your next decision paralysis so that you can spend less time worrying and more time achieving your wildest dreams!
Let me know if you end up using this tip and how it ends up for you!
Bad Day? Dogs + Nature Will Fix Everything
Despite what my Instagram stories might reveal, I had been feeling down the past few days.
After almost 7 weeks away from my friends and community I started too long for meetups with friends and familiar comforts like my weekly ukulele class, riding my bike, and grocery shopping whenever I wanted to. Not to mention the temperatures in Portugal started to rise like crazy leaving me feeling out of sorts.
It wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I had four walls and a ceiling where I could hide from the sun during the hottest part of the day and/or reliable transportation to and from the beach. But I happened to be volunteering on a farm and was expected to work from around 10 in the morning until 3 or so in the afternoon. Afterward, I had to do my “real” job of helping Conscious Business Owners share their gifts with the world. It was a lot.
But again, it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had had four walls and a roof to protect me and reliable internet to count on.
But that was not the case. Instead, I had an old wooden table, uneven ground, an army of ants hell-bent on eating me alive no matter where I sat, a hard wooden patio chair from Ikea, unstable internet, and a floppy umbrella. That was my “office” for the past few weeks. Charming at first, and extremely frustrating thereafter.
At night I retreated to my tent around 8p because that’s when the bugs came out. I’d usually read or organize my suitcase for the umpteenth time before turning the lights out. If I was lucky enough to catch a wifi signal I’d look up a ukulele song on Ukutabs.com and quietly strum along, cognizant of the fact that sound seemed to travel very well in the valley, much better than the wifi seemed to. There is no reason why anyone should have to hear me screeching out Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
This particular experience started to make me rethink this whole Workaway thing. When I joined the site which matches volunteers with various projects, my intention was to learn as much as I could about building a homestead, owning land, and tending a garden, all the while saving money by not having to pay for accommodation, but I suppose you have to be very careful about who link up with. Some people, it seems, just want to avoid paying cleaning ladies and farm hands. They don’t care so much about whether or not it’s a mutually beneficial exchange. Which is what happened in my case.
Because of that, I had been feeling down. So yesterday I decided to quit my gig a few days early. On my long hot walk down a dusty dirt road into town, I began thinking about when I feel the most happy. Two things came to mind: when I am moving and when I am around animals. That’s when I remembered a woman I’d met recently told me that there was an animal shelter in the neighboring city that welcomed dog walkers.
You wouldn’t believe how excited I was to find the details of the shelter! And so I took a 10-euro Uber ride to Aljezur the following morning.
As soon as I arrived I expected a debriefing of the animals but the woman simply asked if I had any experience. I told her I had recently been volunteering at ARA and yes had plenty of experience with dogs. She came back with an older meaty dog named Ruca and sent me on my way. I asked her which way to go and she said: “It doesn’t matter, whichever way you feel”.
I took off with my new furry friend and he seemed to be having a hard time getting up the hill <insert Kate Bush joke here>. Halfway up he began dry heaving. I guess he wasn’t a fan of the rising temperatures either.
When we returned, the volunteer asked if I wanted another dog to walk. “Sure” I replied emphatically, I was just getting started.
I made the mistake of mentioning the slower pace of the first dog and they brought me one who was the complete opposite, a 1.5-year-old named Urso with a LOT of energy and zero clue about how to walk on a leash. “Take him through the city so he can learn how to behave,” the volunteer instructed me. “Sure?” I asked. It didn’t seem like a good idea. She smiled mischievously. And off we went.
We did in fact go through the city of Aljezur, a medieval town with narrow sidewalks and castle remnants at its peak. My furry friend struggled as did I, he seemed anxious at all the sights and sounds. But we managed and eventually found our way back. By this time I was exhausted but I couldn’t resist when they asked if I wanted to take another dog on a walk. This time, they gave me a sweetie named Jofre who was perfect on the leash and had enough energy to go up the hill but not enough to pull me up the hill.
At the end of my third walk, the volunteers thanked me fervently telling me that there weren’t so many volunteers there that day and it helped out a lot. My heart felt warm and I was no longer feeling down. It was a win all around.
So…if you are ever near Aljezur, Portugal and you love dogs and hiking, I HIGHLY recommend checking out AEZA. They ask for walkers on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday but check their website for any updates. The surrounding areas of the shelter are beautiful and you’ll be doing a BIG service to all the cuties awaiting their forever homes.
How do you boost your mood when you feel down? Let me know in the comments below!
Using the ABCDE Model to Build Self-trust
I don’t know about yours but my body is a helluva bullshit detector. And I have started to not only pay attention to her when she speaks but to listen and act accordingly.
I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kiddo. The anxiety usually manifests as a variety or combination of physical ailments including insomnia, chest tension, shallowed breathing, and moodiness.
But what I am realizing is that anxiety is actually my bullshit detector and an invaluable built-in support system.
Sometimes it’s wrong, I admit. I’m working on learning how to determine the difference in therapy using the ABCDE Coaching Model. The model has five stages including an activating event or situation, beliefs, consequence, disputation of the beliefs, and effective new approach to dealing with the problem.
Here’s what the ABCDE stands for
A is for Activating incident: Ex. Someone doesn’t return my text message or call.
B is for Belief: I believe that I am being ignored, I must have said something to offend them, they are mad at me, they have been seriously injured, or they don’t like me.
C is for Consequence: The consequence of my belief is that I start to replay my last interaction with this person to see if there was anything I said that might have harmed them, I worry that they might be hurt, or I judge them for not being considerate and write them off as rude (or a worse expletive) which means I am not present to the current experience because I am thinking about being ignored.
D is for Disputation of the beliefs: At this stage, I would ask myself whether my beliefs were serving me. To which I’d give a big emphatic “hell no”. Insomnia doesn’t serve anyone; my neighbors, my partners, myself. What would happen if I had different beliefs? Well, I’d be able to sleep. I wouldn’t overthink which would help me stay more present and focused in the here and now. If I had a different belief, I would have a different outcome. I’d be more compassionate and concerned than disdained or emotionally manipulative (ex. why didn’t you call me back? I was worried sick!)
E is for Effective new approach - In this stage, you work to build a new belief system. You can do so by asking yourself what is the rational truth here. Do your beliefs have factual evidence to back them up? You can also imagine what your friends who have a solid bullshit detector would say if you told them about this scenario. You can go a step further and deliver a few explanations that aren’t quite so dramatic such as “I am not being ignored, this person is just overwhelmed with their own struggles. I didn’t say anything wrong, they are just taking a break from technology. They aren’t mad at me, they are just busy with other important matters. They aren’t seriously injured, they are just unable to text or call due to some other precedent occurrence.”
After learning about this approach, I asked my therapist what if I was indeed picking up on something -because sometimes my bullshit detector is spot on even if I don’t have factual evidence (ever heard of a woman’s intuition)? She said that I can always ask. Not in a confrontational way. But in a kind compassionate way. Hey, you don’t seem like yourself, you are texting and calling less frequently, is everything ok? You ask and you believe their answer. And then you let that shit go (easier said than done, I know.)
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to listen to that fiery bubble in your guts and get the hell out of the situation. With practice, you’ll be able to fine-tune your intuition and determine which signals to pay attention to.
Which is what I did recently. I had a weird feeling during a recent Workaway experience and after one sleepless night, I packed up my things and hightailed it out of there. The first two weeks were fine, I alternated my time between cleaning his onsite Airbnbs and working in the garden; pulling weeds, cleaning up strawberry beds, and feeding trees. I spent my evenings dancing in a forest patch like a wild woman. It was great. But the past few days I started to feel off. I was feeling irritable and more like I was just there to save him money on a cleaning lady than to have a mutually beneficial experience. One day, for example, we discovered a wasp nest in the outdoor kitchen after I was stung on my calf and it swelled up. He didn’t offer any consolation, just told me that he had one on his back as well. I put some cold water on it and shook it off. He later removed the nest and assured me that if the nest was gone they wouldn’t come back. The next day they were gathering again. I told him about it and he merely said “You guys have to roll up the awning so they don’t nest in there” and walked away.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if the wasp nest had been impacting one of his Airbnb guests, he would have taken care of the problem immediately. Needless to say, there were a few other examples like this and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Not to mention the Wifi was extremely bad there which caused me to miss important meetings and turn down some work projects.
Enough Was Enough
I woke up very early this morning and had a strong feeling that it was time to go. I told him I needed to work on a project in a more focused environment with reliable internet. He seemed confused but didn’t ask any further questions. When I then asked if he could drop me off in town (a 9 min drive away) he said he wouldn’t be able to do it until 4 when he went surfing and suggested I call a taxi instead. I worked for this man for 2 weeks, gave my blood sweat, and tears so that he could turn a profit on Airbnb, and he couldn’t do me the decency of dropping me off in town nine minutes away? I decided I would just go on foot and take my chances on hitching a ride. There was always someone going into town. On my way out I told him I was leaving and he said “Oh, did you get a taxi?” “No - none of the taxis replied to me, I will just walk and try to get a ride on the way.” “Oh, you’ll manage” he replied.
I did not manage. As it happens no one was driving on the dirt road, so I pulled my Samsonite carry-on luggage, my bag of food, my backpack, and a tote bag with miscellaneous things for 50 minutes at the hottest part of the day on a dirt road. Tears filled my eyes. Dust kicked up in my face. I let myself shed a few tears but then I acknowledged the free space I suddenly felt in my chest cavity.
I felt free. Not only that but I received a confirmation of what I had been picking up on over the past few weeks, an underlying disrespect. And I listened. I listened to my bullshit detector.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be back in civilization after spending two weeks sleeping in a tent, using a compost toilet, and attempting to work with shitty internet and a floppy umbrella for two weeks. I am also so happy that the time span between my sleepless nights and my self-compassionate actions seems to be shrinking. I am now able to soothe myself using the ABCDE model when my beliefs are blown out of proportion and also remove myself from a situation that doesn’t feel aligned thanks to the trust of self I am working so hard to cultivate.
Do you have a solid bullshit detector? Do you know how to detect your own bullshit? How do you respond when your bullshit detector is going off? Let me know in the comments below!
Breaking Up With Berlin
Last week I missed my flight accidentally on purpose back to Berlin. Accidentally because I left my passport in one of those plastic bins while going through security, something I’d never done before. On purpose because prior to my careless mishandling of a precious document, I was trying desperately to ignore a sinking feeling in my stomach about returning to a city I used to adore. I think I may have subconsciously manifested my carelessness.
Returning to Berlin used to be my favorite feeling in the world. Sure I loved the sights and sounds of visiting far-off lands but there was something so grounding about touching down in Berlin. Funnily enough, that gray and drizzly tarmac in the nation’s capital used to light me up.
Now though - returning there felt like a punishment, a reminder that I no longer belong.
For the past few months, I have been attempting to find a flat in Berlin. The process of gathering documents, renewing expired credit reports, sending applications, and attending apartment viewings with many hopeful others only to be ignored when you follow up days and weeks afterward - was not only exhausting it was demeaning.
On more than one occasion I asked myself - is this really what I want? Do I really want to live in a city that no longer feels aligned with my soul? Furthermore, does this city even want me?
When I first arrived in the city 8 years and some months ago, my heart was exploding with happiness at the endless possibilities. I loved how free I felt there, loved that my rent only cost 400 euros a month, and that the city was filled with people from all over the globe who had felt a similarly magnetic pull towards the land of techno and kebabs. I used to call Berlin a playground for adults.
Fetish clubs, peculiar art installations, dance parties that lasted for days on end, naked sunbathing at the many surrounding lakes. It seemed you could be anything you wanted to be here. And then some.
That meant that the city also attracted a lot of confused people, people who were exploring new identities and ways of life leaving them little time to be careful with their bodies or with one another’s hearts. It also meant it attracted a lot of people who took pleasure in pumping their bodies full of chemicals multiple times a week, a pastime I’d also dabbled with on occasion.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging Berlin or those who still find comfort in her arms. Without a doubt, Berlin helped shape me into the wild woman I am today. I no longer wear makeup, I panic when I can’t sort my trash, and I not only accept my body and all her flaws but I love how she carries me in the world and on the dance floor. I also have no qualms about stripping down naked in the sauna or at an FKK lake (FKK how I love thee), can furnish an entire apartment and transform my wardrobe with things collected from the street (zu verschenken, baby), dance with my whole soul whenever possible taking delight in my body’s strength, accept alternative lifestyles wholeheartedly and have become a lifelong advocate for anyone feeling othered in society.
But now - now I’ve outgrown the confines of her arms.
Instead, I long for wide open spaces, spaces that are wider than the length of Tempelhof. I long for sun on my face daily, not just a few weeks out of the year. I long for a slower lifestyle, one that supports the nourishing of my body and spirit.
And so, I think it’s time for me to break up with Berlin for good…
I’m not sure where I’ll go next, but for now, I am enjoying having clarity about the kind of life I want to live.
Have you ever outgrown a city? How long did it take you to move on once you had the realization? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below!
You Can Have It All, Just Not At The Same Time
In my most recent virtual therapy session, I found myself explaining to my therapist that I wanted to be able to travel freely and also be grounded somewhere. From what it sounded it like, it seemed like she was trying to persuade me otherwise. I think she thinks that my wanderlust is me running away from something she has yet to discover. That’s when I told her matter of factly, “You know, I believe I can have it all.” She didn’t say much more. Our session was nearly done and I don’t think either of us wanted to open up a new can of worms.
A few days later though, I was listening to a cheesily titled self-help book about manifestation on my free library app called “Calling in the One”, when the narrator said these words, “You can have it all, just not at the same time.” I immediately rewound it so that I could jot it down in the notes section of my phone along with all the other million-dollar ideas and quality insights that pop into my mind never to be read again. Except the universe wasn’t ready for me to forget this phrase so hastily.
A few days more passed and I found myself in Loulé, Portugal (where I still am) volunteering at an animal rescue center called Animal Rescue Algarve. Before bed last night I was chatting with my roommate, a 41-year-old Belgian woman who had been volunteering at the organization for a few months already, about traveling and living the life of a wanderer. That’s when she began opening up to me about the inner torment she was feeling about having to return to Belgium in a few months. “The thought of sitting at a desk working a 9 to 5 sounds dreadful,” she moaned. “When I’m home,” she continued, “my need for community is fulfilled, but when I’m traveling, my need for adventure and freedom is fulfilled.” I thought I could sense a twinge of sadness or confusion lingering beneath her words, but that’s when she perked up and said, “I’ve come to realize that I can have it all, just not at the same time.”
A big grin appeared on my face. Though I hadn’t felt an instant connection to her, I suddenly felt like I’d found a kindred spirit. In fact, one of the reasons I chose to come on this adventure was so that I could meet people who shared my mercurial nature, whimsical spirit, and undying wanderlust. My therapist and most of my friends in Berlin (and worldwide) loved to travel but they either had kids, plants, partners, steady jobs, property, (or all of the above) to look after and couldn’t just freely roam around the planet whenever they wanted to as I could. And so I felt like I hadn’t found anyone who could truly relate to this deep desire of mine to be everything, everywhere, all at once. Until now. Here I was in sunny Portugal sharing a trailer with someone who was as thinly tethered to the place she called home as I was, and who was also practicing arranging her life in a way that would satisfy her conflicting needs for stability and for wanderlust.
For the first time in a long time, I am no longer partnered. Though I haven’t quite figured out how to set up my life, I feel that I am getting closer to figuring it out. I’ve pretty much accepted that it won’t be a conventional setup - and that’s ok because I can (and I will) have it all… a dog (or two) nuzzled up next to me, sun on my face, friends who have become family surrounding me, a partner with a kindred wanderlust spirit by my side, the ability to drop everything and volunteer around the world for causes that ignite my soul or visit family in familiar, far off lands just so I can laugh with them under the same roof, and maybe even a cute kid bouncing around on my lap… I just might not be able to have it all at the same time.
Oh, life - how beautiful and strange you truly are.
Can you relate to the phrase, “you can have it all just not at the same time’? If so, I’d love to hear about it :) I am always keen on connecting with other free spirits.
How's Your Play-to-Rest Ratio?
I woke up at 2a with the following download, “In order to play, you must recharge.”
Everyone loves to play. And if you don’t feel safe letting your freak flag fly in public, you likely love being around others who do. Whether they are making silly faces, playing practical jokes, or dancing like a robot in the grocery store, playful people are often the most liked, and the ones we want to spend the most time with.
While playing should be a main priority - it can’t and shouldn’t be the only goal. Why? Because you’ll burn out.
Instead, you’ve got to have a healthy play-to-rest ratio. Let me explain…
As children, we played with everything. That stick on the ground became a magical wand, that scrap piece of paper became a snowball and that carved-out tree trunk became a kitchen. We played with life, we played with others, and we played the day away.
But we also rested. We took naps. We laid on our bellies and observed the carpet fibers while our heart rates returned to resting. Before you knew it, we arose from our restful state, ate a nourishing snack, and then returned to our playful escapades.
Believe it or not, deep down, we are still those children with those same playful tendencies. The only difference is that now we have to also be our own caretakers. We must play both roles, the player and the caretaker. Most adults get so wrapped up in their role of caretaker and forget how to be a playful player. They take care of bills and tune-ups and grocery shops but they never let loose. BORING. Or they play so hard that they forget that they must also provide a safe space for their player to rest, rejuvenate, and recharge. Which category do you typically fall into?
Personally, I often feel pressured to be playful and an endless source of sunshine to everyone around me, even when my body is begging for a recharge. I rarely live up to that standard which results in me disassociating from whatever is happening around me and retreating into myself. In the past, I would have drank more alcohol or stayed up way too late in order to appease the longings of others.
But in 2023 I aim to do something different.
Of course, the people in my life love me most when I’m playful and carefree. Heck, I love myself most when I am playing. When I am not feeling my best, I can be moody, nervous, and negatively leaning, aka a real party pooper. What I am realizing, however, is that it’s not possible for me to just be playful ALL the time.
“In order to play, you must recharge.”
Instead, I must carefully construct an environment where my playful self can refuel. Personally, I need strenuous daily movement (preferably hiking vertically up a warm mountain), colorful salads with healthy proteins, a good night’s rest, and ample time and space for solo reflection.
Only then will I feel safe enough to let my playful nature run wild. And that’s perfectly ok.
How’s your Play-to-Rest Ratio? Could you use some fine tuning?
Growing Up, Not Out
I am a Gemini Moon, Gemini Sun, and Libra Rising.
That means I am a whole lot of air, or in other words, I’m not only comfortable with change, but I also NEED change.
Constant change.
I move every one to two years. The nature of freelancing means my workflow, and even my client roster is changing often. That also means my hobbies are subject to rapid upheaval. I LOVE learning a little about everything.
This means that I’ve never managed to become an “expert” in anything. And yes I’ve grown to accept that my “Jack of All Trades” title means I’ll also remain a master of none.
I admit that this can sometimes make me feel shaky like I’m never really standing on steady ground. I compare myself to friends who have studied the same thing for years and are moving their way up the ranks. Like my friend who recently received his Ph.D. His career path for the remainder of his days (he’s only in his early 30s) is already quite laid out for him, which I admit, seems nice, and predictable. Even his location will be determined for him depending on the University that wants to hire him.
On the contrary, my options are endless. I could live in a Tahitian hut or in a Grecian cave as long as there was proper Wifi. If I wanted to pick up and move halfway across the world (again), I could do so tomorrow if I so desired.
I’ve convinced myself that I need these options and that having options helps me feel in control. I feel less claustrophobic with less stuff and fewer attachments.
Now that doesn’t mean I haven’t been able to establish deep connections. I’ve just learned how to overcome some of the barriers that go along with keeping in touch including different time zones (staying up way too late to catch up with my BFF), poor connections (turn your video off, mom), and phone tag (I will win eventually).
As exciting as my life has been until now, lately I’ve been longing to settle. Not settled in the sense that I am willing to sacrifice something for some false sense of security. No, I am longing to settle somewhere and grow upward instead of out. Perhaps it’s my age, perhaps it’s the looming winter ahead, or perhaps it’s just this collective moment in time, but I no longer feel this desire to see and experience as much as humanly possible. Instead, I am craving focus, attention, and presence. I want to be a part of a community, a gaggle of folks who are also focused on an idea, preferably something that makes the planet a little better in the process. And for that, I have to be in one place.
I don’t know exactly what this means yet. But I am staying open to the fact that clarity will present itself soon enough.
Until then, I will continue strumming along on my ukulele, a hobby that I’ve managed to keep up with for a few months now. After experiencing instant gratification upon learning a full song in my first lesson, I was hooked. Now that I have a few basic chords under my belt, I’ve been enjoying learning different strumming patterns and how to play more complicated songs. What’s the lesson here? Just because I focus on one thing doesn’t mean it will eventually get “boring”. Within that focus, I can find small challenges to overcome that keep me growing upward.
Are you also feeling called to narrow your focus and “grow up”? I’d love to hear about it!
Outta My Head and Into My Body
I play beach volleyball.
I wasn’t exactly an athletic kid growing up. In fact, the only “sport” I did involved eating nachos on the couch and flipping back and forth between Growing Pains and Real World. If couch surfing were an Olympic sport, my 12-year-old self would have been a gold medalist.
It’s not that I didn’t want to play sports.
When I was really little I wanted to play soccer, or be a gymnast.
But growing up with a single mom, we didn’t have a lot of extra funds to throw at extracurriculars. So my sister and I channeled our inner ice skater and pretended to land triple axles in our socks on the carpeted living room floor.
When I was in middle school, I tried out for the basketball team. I would have given ANYTHING just to be a bench warmer but despite my best efforts, I was not chosen. It’s sad really, but after that, I kind of gave up on sports altogether.
Looking back, I realize how important it is for young kids, especially girls, to be involved in sports. Not only does it help build confidence at a time in your life when hormones are undoubtedly working against you, but it teaches you valuable skills about how to work on a team and how to manage stress. These were skills I’m still trying to master as a 35-year-old.
A few years ago, during one of the darkest times in my life, I was desperate to get out of my head and into my body.
My first inclination was to search for somatic practices like kundalini yoga, dynamic meditation, and ecstatic dance.
Those all helped momentarily but they still felt too serious.
I picked up running but had to stop shortly after because it aggravated an old back injury.
I was quite literally running out of options.
“I decided to take a chance, and gently quell the inner voice telling me I wasn’t athletic enough, that I’d likely make a fool of myself. ”
That’s when I saw a post on Facebook that changed my life. Someone in an ex-pat group I was in was looking for a few extra members to play beach volleyball with them.
I decided to take a chance, and gently quell the inner voice telling me I wasn’t athletic enough, that I’d likely make a fool of myself.
And boy am I glad I did.
Two years later, I am still playing with the same group.
Occasionally my insecurities pop up, like when I mess up a serve or accidentally send the ball flying in the wrong direction. I am definitely not the strongest player so I often feel this giant pressure to perform well. What I’ve noticed though, is that when I start to feel this pressure, I stop having fun, and I end up performing worse.
Like the other day when I was just off.
I kept making silly mistakes and could tell that my teammates were getting frustrated with me. I was getting frustrated with me. But then something clicked.
FUN. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN.
After that, I was able to relax and make jokes with my teammates about how “off” I’d been that day. It seemed to lighten the mood and shift their frustration to compassion.
I wholeheartedly believe that playing beach volleyball has helped me grow exponentially as a person.
Not only has it strengthened my teamwork skills (something I failed to learn all those years being a freelancer), but it continues to serve as a reminder not to take myself so damn seriously.
And - it gets me out of my head and into my body.
What do you do to “get out of your head and into your body”? Share in the comments below! I’d love to be inspired.
What to Expect from a Pantarei Session
I am a big fan of self-work, self-care, and yea just self in general. What can I say, I love myself! :)
So when I saw a Pantarei practitioner was offering a free session on a local listserv, I decided to reach out. But first I decided to do a little research to see exactly what Pantarei was. Unfortunately, their website was not very helpful.
After some digging, and stumbling over a broken link, I found this explanation:
Each session involves a combination of touch, movement, and spoken communication. Together, the practitioner and client verbally describe the client’s experiences, and the practitioner uses both touch and instruction to guide the client through the sessions.
Hmm, still not 100% clear, but I made the appointment anyway figuring, that if nothing else, it would make a funny story to share with my bff later. Plus, the first session was free! I literally had nothing to lose.
Here’s a Recap of My Experience
A day before the appointment. my practitioner wrote me an email asking if there was anything specific I wanted to work on in the session. He also told me to make sure I wore comfortable clothes.
I wrote him back, Issues? What exactly do you mean?
To which he replied,
Oftentimes people come and they don't exactly know what they want to look at or work on, this is no problem whatsoever. Pantarei can work with a very wide variety of topics, and during the session, we always find a relevant topic. But examples of subjects that people come up with are:
1. Fears of being left alone, making someone's romantic relationships harder
2. Trouble feeling emotions
3. Being overwhelmed with work
4.... etc
However, the sessions themselves often don't focus only on the 'negative' subject. Often a session is also about reconnecting with a passion, feeling increased self-love and self-acceptance, or something in this direction.
When I showed up the next day, I decided I wanted to work on my occasional bouts of insomnia. Having had a crap night’s sleep the night before, I thought, What the heck! Let’s try to crack this mystery once and for all!
For the first half hour, my Pantarei practitioner first shared a bit about the Pantarei approach (and even admitted that the website left much to be desired) and then asked me loads of questions about my life story. I gave him a solid history of my past from day 1 to year 35 and honestly, it was feeling more like a therapy session than the massage movement session I thought I would be partaking in.
I informed him that when I can’t sleep, there is usually a physical tightness in the chest that makes it hard to relax into slumber which usually leaves me feeling wide awake. Because of my crappy sleep the night before, the tightness was still slightly present. He then told me to lie on the massage table on my back.
After climbing up on the table oh so gracefully, I laid back, closed my eyes, and let him work his magic.
He put light pressure on my chest and told me to breathe in with my nose and out with my breath. He welcomed me to make any noises if I felt compelled. He then said, What would the tightness say to you if it could speak?”
“Run,” I said without hesitation, laughing at my own frankness.
“And what would happen if you didn’t run?” he clapped back.
I thought the question was rhetorical until he asked me again.
“Nothing,” I responded.
It was true, nothing would actually happen if I didn’t run. I wouldn’t die, that’s too dramatic. After this moment of realization, I felt my nervous system start to relax.
I kept breathing, and all the while my practitioner was gently gliding his hands down the bottom half of my body and applying gentle pressure on my feet.
“Try to create space for that tightness,” he instructed.
My body and mind began to enter a peaceful state, similar to how I feel when I do Yoga Nidra. It was then that he told me the session was coming to a close and that he would be leaving the room for a while for me to process everything. Afterward, he would come back and we would discuss what happened.
My Takeaways
“Rationally, I know my monkey mind isn’t helpful and I shouldn’t listen to anything it says, but when I am in the throes of insomnia, I get stuck physically.”
I definitely felt calmer - and lighter- after the session, like a baby elephant removed himself from my chest. I also slept very well the night following (although I usually tend to sleep well after a night of tossing and turning). One thing that stuck out for me was the idea that I should welcome this physical discomfort and even create space for it, rather than trying to resist it. Rationally, I know my monkey mind isn’t helpful and I shouldn’t listen to anything it says, but when I am in the throes of insomnia, I get stuck physically. By creating space for the discomfort to roam about, it can pass through more quickly. Breathing through the nose, and breathing out through the mouth (preferably with sound) helps with this process.
Will I go back?
Maybe. Like most humans, I sometimes find that my emotions get stuck in the body and show up as physical ailments. When emotions show up physically, it's not so easy for my brain to just "think them away." That's when modalities like breathwork, ecstatic dance, dynamic meditation, yoga, and sports become helpful. Well, now I can add Pantarei to that list. I was quite surprised by how quickly I was able to enter a state of calmness during this Pantarei session. I would consider going back for a few more sessions but will wait a few weeks to see if anything else shifts in the meantime.
Ever heard of Pantarei? What was your experience like? Also, please share any somatic healing modalities you may have heard of. I’d love to hear about them!
The Most Influential Book I've Ever Read
If someone asked me what has been the most influential book I’ve ever read, I would say, without a doubt, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. This book “draws on the long tradition of the Toltecs, an ancient, indigenous people of Mexico, to show you that we have been domesticated from childhood, how these internal, guiding rules hurt us and what we can do to break and replace them with a new set of agreements with ourselves.”
Why do I love it? Because the simplistic language makes it easy to grasp and apply to your life instantaneously. And its short length makes it easy to re-read every few years, which is exactly what I do. In fact, this easy-to-digest book was my first entry into the self-work genre and never ceases to shake me up when I read it.
A few days ago, I discovered that it was available as an audiobook on Youtube so I decided to listen to it for the umpteenth time (FYI - looks like it has since been removed, sadly.) Clocking in at just under 3 hours - I put it on when I was doing dishes or cleaning up around the house and before I knew it, was done with it in no time!
Below I will attempt to summarize the agreements as well as provide real-life examples. But if you have some time to kill in the doctor’s office, while you’re tidying up around the house or commuting to work, do yourself a favor and read (or listen) to it yourself.
A Brief Summary of The Four Agreements
1. Be impeccable with your word.
Your words cast spells. You can either be a good witch and bless yourself and those around you with your speech or you can be an evil witch and send out poison. Poison comes in all shapes and forms but includes insults, negative self-talk, condescension, gossip, and fear-based advice.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
Everything anyone ever does is about themselves. It’s never about you. When people cast evil spells in your direction it’s because they are grappling with their own demons. Subsequently, when people praise you, don’t take this personally either. Remember, it’s NEVER about you.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
In other words, don’t create stories in your head when you don’t have all the facts. When in doubt, ask questions to gain clarity on a situation, but be prepared to receive answers that don’t meet your expectations. And don’t take their answers personally, it’s not about you :)
4. Always do your best
Everyone’s best differs daily depending on how much sleep you’ve had, how much stress you’re under, or what the weather is like. Regardless of how you’re feeling today, if you do your best, you’ll never be disappointed in yourself which means you’ll always be on good terms with how you’re showing up in the world. And you’ll be less likely to cast evil spells, take things personally, and make assumptions.
Sounds easy, right? Unfortunately, it’s much harder to break generational cycles than it is to talk about them. But the awareness of your conditioning is the first step toward ending your relationship with fear and living a more heart-centered existence. And this book does a great job of holding your hand along the way.
Have you read this book? What were YOUR key takeaways?
My Favorite Yoga Style at the Moment
When you think of yoga you probably think about contorting your body into all sorts of unnatural positions. For some of you, that might sound appealing, but for the mass majority of folks, it’s a huge barrier to entry. That’s why I want to share with you a Youtube channel, and style of yoga, that I think is super accessible to ALL bodies and fitness levels, Yoga with Kassandra. While I’m sure all of her videos are good, I am specifically promoting her Yin Yoga classes today.
I used to be a Yoga with Adriene fan. I don’t know what happened but one day I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like her approach was a bit too “entry-level”…not in the technical sense per se, her routines can still be challenging at times, but more in the way she delivered the information. I found myself dropping out of my groundedness whenever she’d tell a joke or share a silly anecdote. I wanted a teacher who was empathetic and gave clear instruction but with minimal words and explanations.
And so I began searching for another style of yoga that would help me get out of my head and into my body. During the lockdown, I fell in love with Kundalini yoga finding the repetition of kriyas to be oddly satisfying (and head-emptying). If that’s your cup of tea, I can highly recommend Refeel yoga’s channel.
But once the world started opening back up and I began participating in activities again, beach volleyball, ecstatic dance, and biking/walking from here to there, I needed to find a type of yoga that was more soothing and stretchy, hence why I am LOVING Yin Yoga at the moment.
So what is Yin Yoga? A slow-paced style of yoga that incorporates principles of traditional Chinese medicine, with asanas (postures) that are held for longer periods of time.
I tend to do Yin Yoga before bed and let me tell you, on the nights I do that, sleep comes much easier and I find that I sleep deeper and wake up feeling refreshed. I am guessing it has something to do with the fact that I am releasing bodily tension accumulated from sitting at the computer and moving around in daily life - which allows me to drift into slumber with ease.
The moral of the story - if you have tried yoga and didn’t like it, keep searching for a style (and teacher) that better suits you. I promise that you will find one that resonates!!