Using the ABCDE Model to Build Self-trust
I don’t know about yours but my body is a helluva bullshit detector. And I have started to not only pay attention to her when she speaks but to listen and act accordingly.
I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a kiddo. The anxiety usually manifests as a variety or combination of physical ailments including insomnia, chest tension, shallowed breathing, and moodiness.
But what I am realizing is that anxiety is actually my bullshit detector and an invaluable built-in support system.
Sometimes it’s wrong, I admit. I’m working on learning how to determine the difference in therapy using the ABCDE Coaching Model. The model has five stages including an activating event or situation, beliefs, consequence, disputation of the beliefs, and effective new approach to dealing with the problem.
Here’s what the ABCDE stands for
A is for Activating incident: Ex. Someone doesn’t return my text message or call.
B is for Belief: I believe that I am being ignored, I must have said something to offend them, they are mad at me, they have been seriously injured, or they don’t like me.
C is for Consequence: The consequence of my belief is that I start to replay my last interaction with this person to see if there was anything I said that might have harmed them, I worry that they might be hurt, or I judge them for not being considerate and write them off as rude (or a worse expletive) which means I am not present to the current experience because I am thinking about being ignored.
D is for Disputation of the beliefs: At this stage, I would ask myself whether my beliefs were serving me. To which I’d give a big emphatic “hell no”. Insomnia doesn’t serve anyone; my neighbors, my partners, myself. What would happen if I had different beliefs? Well, I’d be able to sleep. I wouldn’t overthink which would help me stay more present and focused in the here and now. If I had a different belief, I would have a different outcome. I’d be more compassionate and concerned than disdained or emotionally manipulative (ex. why didn’t you call me back? I was worried sick!)
E is for Effective new approach - In this stage, you work to build a new belief system. You can do so by asking yourself what is the rational truth here. Do your beliefs have factual evidence to back them up? You can also imagine what your friends who have a solid bullshit detector would say if you told them about this scenario. You can go a step further and deliver a few explanations that aren’t quite so dramatic such as “I am not being ignored, this person is just overwhelmed with their own struggles. I didn’t say anything wrong, they are just taking a break from technology. They aren’t mad at me, they are just busy with other important matters. They aren’t seriously injured, they are just unable to text or call due to some other precedent occurrence.”
After learning about this approach, I asked my therapist what if I was indeed picking up on something -because sometimes my bullshit detector is spot on even if I don’t have factual evidence (ever heard of a woman’s intuition)? She said that I can always ask. Not in a confrontational way. But in a kind compassionate way. Hey, you don’t seem like yourself, you are texting and calling less frequently, is everything ok? You ask and you believe their answer. And then you let that shit go (easier said than done, I know.)
But sometimes, sometimes you just have to listen to that fiery bubble in your guts and get the hell out of the situation. With practice, you’ll be able to fine-tune your intuition and determine which signals to pay attention to.
Which is what I did recently. I had a weird feeling during a recent Workaway experience and after one sleepless night, I packed up my things and hightailed it out of there. The first two weeks were fine, I alternated my time between cleaning his onsite Airbnbs and working in the garden; pulling weeds, cleaning up strawberry beds, and feeding trees. I spent my evenings dancing in a forest patch like a wild woman. It was great. But the past few days I started to feel off. I was feeling irritable and more like I was just there to save him money on a cleaning lady than to have a mutually beneficial experience. One day, for example, we discovered a wasp nest in the outdoor kitchen after I was stung on my calf and it swelled up. He didn’t offer any consolation, just told me that he had one on his back as well. I put some cold water on it and shook it off. He later removed the nest and assured me that if the nest was gone they wouldn’t come back. The next day they were gathering again. I told him about it and he merely said “You guys have to roll up the awning so they don’t nest in there” and walked away.
I have a sneaking suspicion that if the wasp nest had been impacting one of his Airbnb guests, he would have taken care of the problem immediately. Needless to say, there were a few other examples like this and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Not to mention the Wifi was extremely bad there which caused me to miss important meetings and turn down some work projects.
Enough Was Enough
I woke up very early this morning and had a strong feeling that it was time to go. I told him I needed to work on a project in a more focused environment with reliable internet. He seemed confused but didn’t ask any further questions. When I then asked if he could drop me off in town (a 9 min drive away) he said he wouldn’t be able to do it until 4 when he went surfing and suggested I call a taxi instead. I worked for this man for 2 weeks, gave my blood sweat, and tears so that he could turn a profit on Airbnb, and he couldn’t do me the decency of dropping me off in town nine minutes away? I decided I would just go on foot and take my chances on hitching a ride. There was always someone going into town. On my way out I told him I was leaving and he said “Oh, did you get a taxi?” “No - none of the taxis replied to me, I will just walk and try to get a ride on the way.” “Oh, you’ll manage” he replied.
I did not manage. As it happens no one was driving on the dirt road, so I pulled my Samsonite carry-on luggage, my bag of food, my backpack, and a tote bag with miscellaneous things for 50 minutes at the hottest part of the day on a dirt road. Tears filled my eyes. Dust kicked up in my face. I let myself shed a few tears but then I acknowledged the free space I suddenly felt in my chest cavity.
I felt free. Not only that but I received a confirmation of what I had been picking up on over the past few weeks, an underlying disrespect. And I listened. I listened to my bullshit detector.
I can’t tell you how happy I am to be back in civilization after spending two weeks sleeping in a tent, using a compost toilet, and attempting to work with shitty internet and a floppy umbrella for two weeks. I am also so happy that the time span between my sleepless nights and my self-compassionate actions seems to be shrinking. I am now able to soothe myself using the ABCDE model when my beliefs are blown out of proportion and also remove myself from a situation that doesn’t feel aligned thanks to the trust of self I am working so hard to cultivate.
Do you have a solid bullshit detector? Do you know how to detect your own bullshit? How do you respond when your bullshit detector is going off? Let me know in the comments below!
Let's Talk About Mental Health
Let’s talk about mental health.
What happened in your body when you read those words? Did you roll your eyes? Or perhaps you let out a “YAAASSS GURRRLL, PREACH!!”
However you reacted, I hope you’ll keep reading for a while so I can share my own mental health journey with you. Why would I want to do such a thing? Because I think now more than ever before, mental health needs to be TALKED ABOUT OPENLY. When you are amidst your own mental health struggles it’s easy to feel like you are the only one who ever felt that way before, thus causing you to retreat even further into yourself. But that is simply not the case. If you are a human with emotions, it’s likely you’ve experienced ups and downs thus far.
So let’s talk about it!!
Two weeks ago I began seeing a therapist. This wasn’t my first time venturing into therapy. A few years ago, when the nonprofit I was co-founding was unraveling at the seams, a dear friendship was dissolving and Corona seemed to be getting more ugly every day, I sought out help from a Psychotherapist/Energy Healer. Her unique approach intrigued me probably because of my deep-rooted spiritual beliefs and understanding that trauma occurs on the somatic level and must therefore be healed there as well. We immediately hit it off and I felt safe and seen if only for an hour at a time every week. We would spend the first half of the session in a talk therapy-like format and she’d end the session working moving that energy through my body. I’d lay on a massage table and she’d apply pressure to certain organs while also asking me questions about my past. The instant relief I experienced was nothing short of a miracle. At the time I was so tightly wound up and riddled with anxiety that I was rarely able to find relief, not even in sleep (I wasn’t sleeping much.)
The peace I experienced after a session lasted a few hours but was worth every penny. The downside? Every session cost me a lot of pennies. At 80 euros a session I wasn’t able to justify continuing after a few weeks. The financial burden was a HUGE reason I hadn’t ever entered therapy before (I’m guessing it’s the same for a lot of folks.)
For those of you who don’t know, I live in Germany and qualify for public health insurance. That means I pay a fee every month and my access to doctors, checkups, and emergency rooms are all included. While there are problems with the system (like long wait times to see a specialist), I would never complain. There is an internal safety that results when you know you can go to the doctor, without incurring extra costs, when you are ill or experience an injury. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I don’t think I’ll ever like in the US permanently again. Mental health though is still highly stigmatized.
Unlike in the US, if you are diagnosed with a mental illness in Germany, that diagnosis can be used against you in the future should you ever want to enter certain professions such as politics, health professionals, or social workers. It can also prevent you from being insured with certain companies should you want to switch health insurance providers.
Yep - that means you have to think twice about using Public Health Insurance to pay for your therapy or mental health treatment. Instead, you should plan on paying it privately - that way there will be no public record. I am assuming that this potentiality prevents a lot of folks who need help from seeking help. It did not prevent me, however.
When my health insurance provider announced they’d be teaming up with MindDoc, an online platform that connects you to therapists virtually, I didn’t hesitate to sign up. First, though, I had to schedule an evaluation with a therapist in person to see if I would qualify for therapy. Silly me thought I would have to “pretend” to be crazy in order to get approved. Turns out, I was only in the office 5 minutes before tears started streaming down my face. You see, I was currently at a crossroads in my life, continuously debating whether or not I wanted children, where I wanted to live, what I wanted to be doing with my life, and what I wanted my future to look like. To be honest, I felt SO much relief just opening up in that office for the consultation. I walked out of there feeling lighter and empowered. There is something to be said about sharing such private information with a non-biased individual who makes an effort to “see” you.
And so, they approved me instantly. I had to wait another few months before I would be matched with an English-speaking therapist, however.
Two weeks into my therapy journey, and I must say - so far so good. My therapist is kind and a good listener. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral but we haven’t really gotten into any of that yet. I am still filling her in on my journey. I look forward to our meetings though because I feel like I have someone on my team who is going to help me organize my feelings instead of getting overwhelmed by them.
I am eternally grateful that my therapy is essentially free and recognize that this is a HUGE privilege that not everyone has access to. I also recognize that traditional modalities of therapy aren’t for everyone, especially those who have experienced intense traumas. Sometimes talk therapy can re-trigger the person as if they are experiencing the trauma firsthand. For that, you’d need someone who was trained in somatic healing as well. Still, though, I felt compelled to share my experience (and will continue to do so) in case anyone is on the fence or feels shameful about embarking on a mental health journey. I want to help end the stigma around asking for help!
And if you don’t click with your therapist or the modality, don’t give up. Keep searching. There is 100% someone out there who has gone through similar circumstances and has overcome them.
To close out, I wanted to share that I recently interviewed Howard Behar, the former president of Starbucks, for the Transparent Voices interview series I am organizing for a client. In the interview, I asked him to focus on one rock bottom moment in his career, in the hopes of inspiring other entrepreneurs to keep moving forward despite their struggles. Instead of him discussing a financial difficulty or conflict with a colleague, Howard mentioned mental health. I was shocked. In all the years, I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him open up about this topic. He went on to explain that when he retired from Starbucks, he went through a depressive period where he was even thinking about ending his life. Once he said those words, I got chills down my arms. This interview could help so many people who are struggling to get help. If a former top executive of one of the biggest corporations in the world can struggle with depression and anxiety - and seek out help, then anyone else in the world could too. Stay tuned for the interview, but until then know this, you are not alone. There are others currently struggling with the same issue you have as well as those who have gotten support and have overcome the struggle. ASK FOR HELP!
I’d love to hear about your mental health journey. What tools or modalities have helped you overcome the struggles of being human? Please share in the comments below!
My Favorite Conscious Business Tool: Yoga Nidra
In addition to sharing my content marketing and website knowledge on this blog, I'd like to start sharing some of the tools that have helped me become a more conscious business owner (and human). Why? Because they have been instrumental in helping me grow as a person and entrepreneur. They have helped me get out of my head and ground back down into my physical body so that I can actually take the necessary steps forward to actualize my dreams. My hope is that these tools help you do the same.
So in this blog post, I’ll be covering my absolute favorite tool to help ground and recalibrate (although be warned, I will likely say they are all my favorites :) )….I present to you YOGA NIDRA.
First off, I’ll do my best to explain WTH Yoga Nidra even is. Contrary to its name, Yoga Nidra has nothing to do with the yoga you're probably used to - there are no upward dogs required. Instead, all you have to do is lay down in bed, pull a blanket over you, and close your eyes. In short, Yoga Nidra is also sometimes referred to as a Yogic Sleep. It’s that blissful moment of time between wakefulness and sleep and is induced through a mix of body scan and breath awareness. Most Yoga Nidras also include visual and sensing components as well. The result is deep relaxation and rejuvenation of energy.
Some of the other benefits of Yoga Nidra include reduced stress or anxiety, better sleep, and improved mindfulness. You can read more benefits of this practice on the National Library of Medicine site here.
Personally, I use Yoga Nidra when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't turn off my racing thoughts. Yoga Nidra helps me glide back into slumberland. It's also a great tool to use when I didn't sleep well the night before and need a pick-me-up mid-day. Instead of reaching for a coffee or sweet treat, I give myself a 25-min of Yoga Nidra session. Afterward, I usually feel my energy double. Have I convinced you to try it out, yet?
Below are my favorite Yoga Nidras (and they can all be found on the Insight Timer app for free)…ENJOY!
Have you ever tried Yoga Nidra? What was your experience? I’d love to hear about it!
When A Natural Communicator Is Misunderstood
Lately, I’ve had some interpersonal conflicts that have left this self-proclaimed “natural communicator” walking around with a clenched jaw and a heavy chest.
I think it hits even harder when an over-thinker, over-feeler, and do-gooder like me, is misunderstood.
Me? Misunderstood? How is it possible? I literally thought about what I was going to say for an hour before we met.
One could argue that this misunderstanding (and the rest that followed) were one big illusion - I’d said what I’d said + reacted the way I did for a reason. What else is there to discuss?
But when feelings get hurt…
and bonds get broken…
and trust gets shattered… then there is actually a LOT to discuss. Especially if you want to salvage important relationships.
But this post is not about salvaging important relationships.
Or having tough conversations.
Or dealing with conflict.
It’s about showing yourself some compassion and letting shit roll off your back so it doesn’t consume your physical and mental wellbeing.
It didn’t really matter WHY the misunderstanding happened. Misunderstandings are the peanut butter to all your jelly friendships. What mattered is that I beat myself about the misunderstanding for weeks. Not intentionally, of course. Rationally I knew that things are always working out for me and that sometimes things, relationships, cycles have to come to an end in order for me to level up. But my physical body felt scared as hell.
I was fighting. And flighting. And freezing all at the same time. I was a wreck.
I had trouble falling asleep. If I did fall asleep at an appropriate time, I’d wake up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep. My eyes felt heavy. My chest ached. I longed for clarity and a hug. Not to mention, none of my tools were working: meditation felt like torture, yoga only helped momentarily, and journaling riled me up.
Eventually, though, I had a thought that flipped my switch and gave me the time needed to detach myself from the anxious web I’d spun - I had acted with integrity, and that is enough.
“Have the courage to say no. Have the courage to face the truth. Do the right thing because it is right. These are the magic keys to living your life with integrity.
”
I had no control over the way people perceived me. But the physical pain and exhaustion I was experiencing weren’t making things any better. The only thing that would make things better would be if I showed myself some compassion.
I’m not perfect. I make mistakes. I am misunderstood. And will likely keep being all those things until the day I kick the bucket for good. But if I acted with integrity, then there was no good reason to beat myself up about the way I’m perceived by others.
Easier said than done, I know. I don’t like disappointing people. I’ve never liked being in trouble or even doing things that might lead to trouble. For the most part, I keep to myself, a lone wolf who occasionally likes to laugh with her small group of tight-knit friends. I assume that people don’t want to hear the inner workings of my head or about my family or about my desires for life unless they ask. I listen more than I talk. I think a lot. A LOT.
So when a close friend or colleague misunderstands me - it cuts like a knife. But being understood isn’t the point of life. Being loving is.
If I continue to act with integrity, and show myself and others respect - then that’s all I can do.