Riding the Loneliness Wave
This past year has been all about me taking steps towards living my dream life, instead of just fantasizing about it. That means that I have been giving myself permission to explore and try things out that pique my curiosity. I have no expectations in mind, just to make sure that fun and lightness are never too far away.
That’s how I ended up in Costa Rica learning to surf, and then later to Morocco to attempt to put into practice what I learned in Costa Rica - this time with a constricting wetsuit on. It’s also how I ended up signing up for a permaculture design course in the north of Portugal, where I currently am.
On the surface, and maybe on Instagram, my life is seemingly falling into place.
The other day though, while driving down a long stretch of road, I felt an incredible wave of loneliness overcome me. Though I had been waking up in the most beautiful places, exploring old Moorish castles, hiking through running rivers, and loving on the cutest animals, I felt an intense longing to share this chapter of my life with at least one other wanderer. I yelped out loud in between tears to no one in particular, “I don’t want to do this alone.”
I let myself have a pity party for a while and then I reminded myself WHY I was going on this journey. That’s when I had a thought, I would rather be temporarily lonely, and get to wake up in beautiful places while also getting the opportunity to explore my interests than go back to my life in Berlin having more frequent social interactions but those that were often misaligned to my soul.
A big part of why I wanted to go on this journey was so I could meet like-minded souls, souls who had wandered off “the path” and had been curiously carving out their own.
The Feeling of Home
A few days ago, I arrived to the farm where the permaculture course would be taking place, and I felt immediately at home. There are 16 souls here, from all over the world, who are keen on disrupting the “norm” and becoming more in sync with nature. And not surprisingly many arrived in their vans.
When the teacher’s assistant was giving me a tour of the compost toilets, he proclaimed that those were only for poo and that we were to pee outside on the land. That might have terrified others, but I immediately felt my nervous system relax. I LOVE peeing outside. Not only do I have free rein to mark my territory wherever I fancy, but there is also an outdoor shower. I know I said I loved peeing outside but there is NOTHING better than showering while birds are chirping happily around you and the breeze is breezing over your most tender parts.
To top it off, every single person I’ve had a chat with since being here has been super open, warm-hearted and… curious. From one day to the next, I went from feeling completely alone in the world to feeling like I found a group of souls I could resonate deeply with, those who, like me, seek the company of animals and nature instead of highly stimulating, highly populated events - which is probably why I don’t come across groups of them very often. LOL.
For two weeks though we will be together learning about sustainable farming techniques, designing our dream permaculture projects, and giving each other knowing nods while passing each other on the way to the compost toilet.
Loneliness is a wave. It ebbs and flows. But as long as you keep following what lights you up, a like-minded soul will never be that far away.
