Riding the Loneliness Wave
This past year has been all about me taking steps towards living my dream life, instead of just fantasizing about it. That means that I have been giving myself permission to explore and try things out that pique my curiosity. I have no expectations in mind, just to make sure that fun and lightness are never too far away.
That’s how I ended up in Costa Rica learning to surf, and then later to Morocco to attempt to put into practice what I learned in Costa Rica - this time with a constricting wetsuit on. It’s also how I ended up signing up for a permaculture design course in the north of Portugal, where I currently am.
On the surface, and maybe on Instagram, my life is seemingly falling into place.
The other day though, while driving down a long stretch of road, I felt an incredible wave of loneliness overcome me. Though I had been waking up in the most beautiful places, exploring old Moorish castles, hiking through running rivers, and loving on the cutest animals, I felt an intense longing to share this chapter of my life with at least one other wanderer. I yelped out loud in between tears to no one in particular, “I don’t want to do this alone.”
I let myself have a pity party for a while and then I reminded myself WHY I was going on this journey. That’s when I had a thought, I would rather be temporarily lonely, and get to wake up in beautiful places while also getting the opportunity to explore my interests than go back to my life in Berlin having more frequent social interactions but those that were often misaligned to my soul.
A big part of why I wanted to go on this journey was so I could meet like-minded souls, souls who had wandered off “the path” and had been curiously carving out their own.
The Feeling of Home
A few days ago, I arrived to the farm where the permaculture course would be taking place, and I felt immediately at home. There are 16 souls here, from all over the world, who are keen on disrupting the “norm” and becoming more in sync with nature. And not surprisingly many arrived in their vans.
When the teacher’s assistant was giving me a tour of the compost toilets, he proclaimed that those were only for poo and that we were to pee outside on the land. That might have terrified others, but I immediately felt my nervous system relax. I LOVE peeing outside. Not only do I have free rein to mark my territory wherever I fancy, but there is also an outdoor shower. I know I said I loved peeing outside but there is NOTHING better than showering while birds are chirping happily around you and the breeze is breezing over your most tender parts.
To top it off, every single person I’ve had a chat with since being here has been super open, warm-hearted and… curious. From one day to the next, I went from feeling completely alone in the world to feeling like I found a group of souls I could resonate deeply with, those who, like me, seek the company of animals and nature instead of highly stimulating, highly populated events - which is probably why I don’t come across groups of them very often. LOL.
For two weeks though we will be together learning about sustainable farming techniques, designing our dream permaculture projects, and giving each other knowing nods while passing each other on the way to the compost toilet.
Loneliness is a wave. It ebbs and flows. But as long as you keep following what lights you up, a like-minded soul will never be that far away.
How do you move through the feeling of loneliness?
Bad Day? Dogs + Nature Will Fix Everything
Despite what my Instagram stories might reveal, I had been feeling down the past few days.
After almost 7 weeks away from my friends and community I started too long for meetups with friends and familiar comforts like my weekly ukulele class, riding my bike, and grocery shopping whenever I wanted to. Not to mention the temperatures in Portugal started to rise like crazy leaving me feeling out of sorts.
It wouldn’t be such a bad thing if I had four walls and a ceiling where I could hide from the sun during the hottest part of the day and/or reliable transportation to and from the beach. But I happened to be volunteering on a farm and was expected to work from around 10 in the morning until 3 or so in the afternoon. Afterward, I had to do my “real” job of helping Conscious Business Owners share their gifts with the world. It was a lot.
But again, it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had had four walls and a roof to protect me and reliable internet to count on.
But that was not the case. Instead, I had an old wooden table, uneven ground, an army of ants hell-bent on eating me alive no matter where I sat, a hard wooden patio chair from Ikea, unstable internet, and a floppy umbrella. That was my “office” for the past few weeks. Charming at first, and extremely frustrating thereafter.
At night I retreated to my tent around 8p because that’s when the bugs came out. I’d usually read or organize my suitcase for the umpteenth time before turning the lights out. If I was lucky enough to catch a wifi signal I’d look up a ukulele song on Ukutabs.com and quietly strum along, cognizant of the fact that sound seemed to travel very well in the valley, much better than the wifi seemed to. There is no reason why anyone should have to hear me screeching out Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.
This particular experience started to make me rethink this whole Workaway thing. When I joined the site which matches volunteers with various projects, my intention was to learn as much as I could about building a homestead, owning land, and tending a garden, all the while saving money by not having to pay for accommodation, but I suppose you have to be very careful about who link up with. Some people, it seems, just want to avoid paying cleaning ladies and farm hands. They don’t care so much about whether or not it’s a mutually beneficial exchange. Which is what happened in my case.
Because of that, I had been feeling down. So yesterday I decided to quit my gig a few days early. On my long hot walk down a dusty dirt road into town, I began thinking about when I feel the most happy. Two things came to mind: when I am moving and when I am around animals. That’s when I remembered a woman I’d met recently told me that there was an animal shelter in the neighboring city that welcomed dog walkers.
You wouldn’t believe how excited I was to find the details of the shelter! And so I took a 10-euro Uber ride to Aljezur the following morning.
As soon as I arrived I expected a debriefing of the animals but the woman simply asked if I had any experience. I told her I had recently been volunteering at ARA and yes had plenty of experience with dogs. She came back with an older meaty dog named Ruca and sent me on my way. I asked her which way to go and she said: “It doesn’t matter, whichever way you feel”.
I took off with my new furry friend and he seemed to be having a hard time getting up the hill <insert Kate Bush joke here>. Halfway up he began dry heaving. I guess he wasn’t a fan of the rising temperatures either.
When we returned, the volunteer asked if I wanted another dog to walk. “Sure” I replied emphatically, I was just getting started.
I made the mistake of mentioning the slower pace of the first dog and they brought me one who was the complete opposite, a 1.5-year-old named Urso with a LOT of energy and zero clue about how to walk on a leash. “Take him through the city so he can learn how to behave,” the volunteer instructed me. “Sure?” I asked. It didn’t seem like a good idea. She smiled mischievously. And off we went.
We did in fact go through the city of Aljezur, a medieval town with narrow sidewalks and castle remnants at its peak. My furry friend struggled as did I, he seemed anxious at all the sights and sounds. But we managed and eventually found our way back. By this time I was exhausted but I couldn’t resist when they asked if I wanted to take another dog on a walk. This time, they gave me a sweetie named Jofre who was perfect on the leash and had enough energy to go up the hill but not enough to pull me up the hill.
At the end of my third walk, the volunteers thanked me fervently telling me that there weren’t so many volunteers there that day and it helped out a lot. My heart felt warm and I was no longer feeling down. It was a win all around.
So…if you are ever near Aljezur, Portugal and you love dogs and hiking, I HIGHLY recommend checking out AEZA. They ask for walkers on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday but check their website for any updates. The surrounding areas of the shelter are beautiful and you’ll be doing a BIG service to all the cuties awaiting their forever homes.
How do you boost your mood when you feel down? Let me know in the comments below!
Let's Talk About Mental Health
Let’s talk about mental health.
What happened in your body when you read those words? Did you roll your eyes? Or perhaps you let out a “YAAASSS GURRRLL, PREACH!!”
However you reacted, I hope you’ll keep reading for a while so I can share my own mental health journey with you. Why would I want to do such a thing? Because I think now more than ever before, mental health needs to be TALKED ABOUT OPENLY. When you are amidst your own mental health struggles it’s easy to feel like you are the only one who ever felt that way before, thus causing you to retreat even further into yourself. But that is simply not the case. If you are a human with emotions, it’s likely you’ve experienced ups and downs thus far.
So let’s talk about it!!
Two weeks ago I began seeing a therapist. This wasn’t my first time venturing into therapy. A few years ago, when the nonprofit I was co-founding was unraveling at the seams, a dear friendship was dissolving and Corona seemed to be getting more ugly every day, I sought out help from a Psychotherapist/Energy Healer. Her unique approach intrigued me probably because of my deep-rooted spiritual beliefs and understanding that trauma occurs on the somatic level and must therefore be healed there as well. We immediately hit it off and I felt safe and seen if only for an hour at a time every week. We would spend the first half of the session in a talk therapy-like format and she’d end the session working moving that energy through my body. I’d lay on a massage table and she’d apply pressure to certain organs while also asking me questions about my past. The instant relief I experienced was nothing short of a miracle. At the time I was so tightly wound up and riddled with anxiety that I was rarely able to find relief, not even in sleep (I wasn’t sleeping much.)
The peace I experienced after a session lasted a few hours but was worth every penny. The downside? Every session cost me a lot of pennies. At 80 euros a session I wasn’t able to justify continuing after a few weeks. The financial burden was a HUGE reason I hadn’t ever entered therapy before (I’m guessing it’s the same for a lot of folks.)
For those of you who don’t know, I live in Germany and qualify for public health insurance. That means I pay a fee every month and my access to doctors, checkups, and emergency rooms are all included. While there are problems with the system (like long wait times to see a specialist), I would never complain. There is an internal safety that results when you know you can go to the doctor, without incurring extra costs, when you are ill or experience an injury. In fact, it’s one of the reasons I don’t think I’ll ever like in the US permanently again. Mental health though is still highly stigmatized.
Unlike in the US, if you are diagnosed with a mental illness in Germany, that diagnosis can be used against you in the future should you ever want to enter certain professions such as politics, health professionals, or social workers. It can also prevent you from being insured with certain companies should you want to switch health insurance providers.
Yep - that means you have to think twice about using Public Health Insurance to pay for your therapy or mental health treatment. Instead, you should plan on paying it privately - that way there will be no public record. I am assuming that this potentiality prevents a lot of folks who need help from seeking help. It did not prevent me, however.
When my health insurance provider announced they’d be teaming up with MindDoc, an online platform that connects you to therapists virtually, I didn’t hesitate to sign up. First, though, I had to schedule an evaluation with a therapist in person to see if I would qualify for therapy. Silly me thought I would have to “pretend” to be crazy in order to get approved. Turns out, I was only in the office 5 minutes before tears started streaming down my face. You see, I was currently at a crossroads in my life, continuously debating whether or not I wanted children, where I wanted to live, what I wanted to be doing with my life, and what I wanted my future to look like. To be honest, I felt SO much relief just opening up in that office for the consultation. I walked out of there feeling lighter and empowered. There is something to be said about sharing such private information with a non-biased individual who makes an effort to “see” you.
And so, they approved me instantly. I had to wait another few months before I would be matched with an English-speaking therapist, however.
Two weeks into my therapy journey, and I must say - so far so good. My therapist is kind and a good listener. Her approach is cognitive-behavioral but we haven’t really gotten into any of that yet. I am still filling her in on my journey. I look forward to our meetings though because I feel like I have someone on my team who is going to help me organize my feelings instead of getting overwhelmed by them.
I am eternally grateful that my therapy is essentially free and recognize that this is a HUGE privilege that not everyone has access to. I also recognize that traditional modalities of therapy aren’t for everyone, especially those who have experienced intense traumas. Sometimes talk therapy can re-trigger the person as if they are experiencing the trauma firsthand. For that, you’d need someone who was trained in somatic healing as well. Still, though, I felt compelled to share my experience (and will continue to do so) in case anyone is on the fence or feels shameful about embarking on a mental health journey. I want to help end the stigma around asking for help!
And if you don’t click with your therapist or the modality, don’t give up. Keep searching. There is 100% someone out there who has gone through similar circumstances and has overcome them.
To close out, I wanted to share that I recently interviewed Howard Behar, the former president of Starbucks, for the Transparent Voices interview series I am organizing for a client. In the interview, I asked him to focus on one rock bottom moment in his career, in the hopes of inspiring other entrepreneurs to keep moving forward despite their struggles. Instead of him discussing a financial difficulty or conflict with a colleague, Howard mentioned mental health. I was shocked. In all the years, I’ve known him, I’ve never heard him open up about this topic. He went on to explain that when he retired from Starbucks, he went through a depressive period where he was even thinking about ending his life. Once he said those words, I got chills down my arms. This interview could help so many people who are struggling to get help. If a former top executive of one of the biggest corporations in the world can struggle with depression and anxiety - and seek out help, then anyone else in the world could too. Stay tuned for the interview, but until then know this, you are not alone. There are others currently struggling with the same issue you have as well as those who have gotten support and have overcome the struggle. ASK FOR HELP!