Where the Ladies At? - The Disconcerting Absence of Solo Women in Van Life
One disconcerting thing I’ve noticed since transitioning to van life is how few solo women there are outside in the world. I almost never see solo women doing van life. I also rarely see women hiking alone, walking alone, dining alone, or pretty much doing anything alone. I see my fair share of couples on trails and in camper lots. I also see a lot of solo men doing sports or groups of men doing god knows what.
But - where the ladies at?
Observations from Abroad: Morocco and Portugal
In Morocco, it was very rare to see women out solo or even in groups. When dusk approached all the cafes and streets were lined with dudes, not a woman in sight.
Now that I am back in Portugal I can’t help but notice the same thing just on a scaled-down version. Women seem comfortable shopping alone, grocery shopping, or running errands but beyond that the world seems off-limits unless accompanied by their partner.
The Fear Factor: Why Aren't Women Going Solo?
Why is that? Are y’all scared to do things alone?
If so, I get it. Men, especially groups of men, have given themselves a bad reputation over the centuries. But that’s no excuse to deny yourself the pleasure of the great outdoors - or embark on your van life journey ( as long as you proceed with a little bit of common sense because men still be cray no matter where you are in the world.)
My Experience with Fear and Precaution
The past two nights there was nobody around the area I chose to park for a night which kind of creeped me out but I didn’t let it stop me. I wanted to wake up surrounded by nature not in a brightly lit gas station parking lot designated for camper vans. I did however take some precautionary measures. Both nights I walked around the area prior to settling in to make sure there weren’t any groups of sketchy men lingering about. The first night there was a group of guys fishing together. They had a small dog with them, a factor that somehow put me at ease and made them seem less harmful.
Last night there was a large shirtless man who pulled up and parked beside me for a while. I contemplated leaving but he eventually left on his own.
I doubt male van lifers pace around their area before deciding whether to settle in for the night. But I digress.
Sleepless Nights and Adrenaline Jolts
Both of these nights I didn’t sleep all that well because, well, I was on edge. I had never stayed somewhere so remote before.
The first night I woke up with a jolt of adrenaline, a frenetic aura surrounding me. I was suddenly hyper-aware of every breath and ounce of blood circulating through my veins. Then I saw headlights, a car slowly passed mine, and then turned around and passed again.
“Should I leave and head to a well-lit parking lot?” If I left, I rationed, I wouldn’t be able to wake up to a lake view and slowly sip my cacao as I gently ease into the day. The car left and didn’t return so I soothed myself back to sleep.
An hour or so later though, I woke up again, this time convinced that I’d heard footsteps near my van. I sat in the dark for a while, my heart racing. But then I had a thought, I could just look out the window and see for myself. I did, and there was not a soul in sight. I must have dreamt it or perhaps I was tapping into the collective belief that women are fragile and should remain indoors where it’s “safe”. I managed to fall back asleep and wake up feeling refreshed. As I’d hoped, the view was magnificent. What a shame it would have been if I had let my fears get the best of me. But what an even bigger shame it is that it’s 2024 and I still have to choose between being alive and feeling alive.
A Call to Action: Reclaiming Our Place in Nature
That being said, I’d like to encourage any woman reading this to do more outdoor shit alone. How cool would it be to pull up to a campsite and park next to a solo woman with gray-streaked hair and faded tattoos? How refreshing would it be to ask a middle-aged goddess on a hiking trail where the waterfall is? If more of us got out there and did stuff, other women would feel safe to join in on the fun, and then more of us would get to experience what it means to feel at one with nature… and truly alive.
Our collective and very valid fear of men has robbed us of our ability to enjoy our lives and the splendor of nature. Let’s reclaim that joy :)
So, where ya headed, wild thing?
How to Avoid Heartbreak - A Poem
Fill your apartment with things that never expire or wilt, like those cheap plastic flowers from your local discount craft store. Make sure to hide the objects you treasure the most (like your great-grandmother’s porcelain tea cups) in a safe place — like that awkwardly high cabinet above your fridge.
Never say I love you first, in fact never say it at all. Instead, adopt a cool and mysterious persona that makes you appear impenetrable. Better yet, invest time and energy into actually becoming impenetrable.
Keep your coolest and most mysterious clothing tucked away in the back of your closet, however. It would be a dire shame to have a puppy excitedly jump on your most expensive pair of trousers and muck up the hem while standing in line for a coffee.
And by no means should you ever adopt a puppy or any animal for that matter. Their unconditional companionship may seem appealing at first, but their short lifespan will continuously remind you of your mortality (what a drag!) - and when your furry companion inevitably perishes they will leave behind an unbelievable emptiness you will never be able to fill again.
Children too are out of the question. Bubbling with life and joy in the beginning years, sure, but before you know it they will turn into adults and move across the country to carve out their own lives.
While you’re at it, you better only surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear and who never stick around after the tea and cake are finished, people who only discuss “safe” topics like the weather and pop culture, topics that will never accidentally activate deeper philosophical questions like - what is the meaning of life?
Get a monotonous job that pays you enough to cover your necessities but also affords you the privilege of hiring someone to help you move apartments when your lease is up - that way you don’t ever have to ask for help (and risk the embarrassment of being denied the request.)
Make sure to stay in your hometown and take the same route to work every day. Avert your eyes when you happen by the newsstand though, world events are infamous for breaking hearts and spirits daily. The same goes for looking a homeless person in the eye. Give him some spare change if you must but never, ever, look him in the eye.
And when you start to feel that inner niggling urging you to try something new, pivot in another direction, book a trip to a far-off land, or accept a dinner invitation from your charming neighbor (the one with an angelic smile), make sure to shut it down immediately. Turn on the TV or grab the nearest screen and open up your favorite app. Scroll until your eyes feel like they might pop out of your head and you've worked up a ravenous appetite. Order some Thai food and when it arrives, eat until the point of feeling uncomfortably full - so full that the gentle nagging you felt deep in your guts moments before can no longer be detected.
Fall asleep on the couch and then do it all over again.
What is that inner niggling telling you to do?
Give More Grace
A few months ago I bought a minivan complete with a built-in bed and set off on the adventure of my life. Most people go on adventures like this with a partner or a friend, but for some reason, I felt the urge to do this solo.
I’m rarely scared. I get to wake up to beautiful views or fall asleep to the crashing of waves. But there are still a lot of things I don’t know or understand about life on the road.
Since I am always driving through a new city, I am never in my comfort zone. Which means sometimes I drive too slow or I miss important turns. I try to pull to the side of the road when someone is tailing me so that they can pass. Sometimes, though, I get honked at.
I’m not going to lie, it does sting. I’m doing my best, here, doesn’t anyone realize how difficult it is to navigate through unfamiliar territory?
Yesterday though, I am guilty of exerting the same holier-than-thou behavior. I was feeling pretty confident with my roundabout maneuvers, had to pee very badly, and was only 15 minutes away from where I was going to sleep for the night. I was antsy and ready to walk around after having been in the car for several hours. And I got stuck behind a very slow car.
My first thought was…COME ON, VAMOSSSSS.
But then I saw the sign on the back of a car mentioning that the driver was just learning.
Tears immediately welled up in my eyes. This person was learning a new skill and needed some grace.
Learning a new skill, venturing off on a trip solo, driving through foreign countries, and stepping out of your comfort zone is NEVER easy. But it is the foundation of a happy, fulfilling life. How boring would it be if you just did things you always did, hung out with people you always hung out with, and ate the same things you always ate? Variety is the spice of life and contrast is what makes life beautiful.
It takes courage to live a contrasting life though because it means sometimes you are going to have to pee in a jar, get honked at by impatient drivers, or risk failing, falling, or having to ask for help. Let’s try to give the newbs a little grace (ourselves included). If you are a pro at something, use it as an opportunity to mentor or help someone who is just starting. If you don’t have the time or patience, might I suggest you just leave them alone as they stumble through this thing called life?
We are all living these lives in these bodies for the first time. Let’s give each other and ourselves grace as we maneuver through the world. Or maybe we should all just wear stickers that say “First time living this life, please be kind” as a gentle reminder. Anyone wanna print some up? :)